


Answer Me 2018

by faiczn



Series: Answer Me 2018 [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: A bit of love triangle with original female character, AU - Reply 1988, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming Out, Coming of Age, Friends to Lovers, Implied Sexual Content, Jeno and Renjun are architecture students, M/M, Slice of Life, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:22:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 34,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25421584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faiczn/pseuds/faiczn
Summary: The face of the man in front of him was familiar. The face that Renjun already knew for 5 years, from the awkward early teen to the verge of adulthood. The face Renjun had been avoided for the last year, even though they finally started to go to the same university. The face that always visited Renjun in his dreams, year after year, though uninvited and unwelcome.--Renjun moved to Korea on the last year of junior high school. Jeno, Jaemin and Donghyuck immediately took him under their wings and they had been best friends ever since. Until something happened between Jeno and Renjun that would change their friendship forever.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno
Series: Answer Me 2018 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1893523
Comments: 30
Kudos: 175





	1. Blue Jacket

**Author's Note:**

> So it's started as me imagining Dreamies 2000 Line as my favourite k-drama squad, Ssangmundong Quintuplets from Reply 1988. But it kinda grew beyond that in my head. The reference to the drama is still there (everyone who watched it will recognize it), but you can read this nonetheless without watching the drama.
> 
> This is my first NCT fanfic, so bear with me if I got things wrong.
> 
> Follow me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/faiczn)

## 2020

“Hold your friends’ hands!”

Renjun shivered, wrapped in the coldest breeze and darkest night. Turned his head to his sides, he reached for his friends’ hands. Chanhee in his left and Jihun in his right. Their eyes met for a second in silence, just for assurance.

Chanhee smiled slightly, but Jihun’s hands trembled in Renjun’s grasp—or is Renjun who was trembling. He can’t really tell.

“Closed your eyes!” yelled one of the seniors in the cobalt blue jacket passing through around them

Renjun complied immediately, engrossed in the moment. A flicker of the light seeped through behind his eyelids. Sound of steps were heard faintly, announcing movement around them. Then stillness for a long time.

Renjun’s breath slowed down, finally peaceful after a long demanding night—or the whole month, really, if he stopped to think about it. It was a ritual, he and his college friends in the same year had to go through to be admitted to the architecture students association.

Someone got closer to Renjun and covered his shoulders with something. A piece of cloth fell down to his waist, surrounding him with warmth and delicate fruity smell. The corner of his lips raised a little with a sense of awareness of what was going to happen.

Slowly, Renjun could hear a song. No words or lyrics. Just a collective hum of hundreds of people, filling the space between them. Renjun squeezed Chanhee and Jihun’s hands. Both of them squeezed back, as if telling him ‘we’re here with you’.

“Open your eyes.”

Renjun opened his eyes slowly. His head still drooped down. Only the ground, grass and the legs of the seniors could be seen in his line of sight.

“Welcome Class of 2020!”

And a loud cheer broke, embracing a hundred new members to their association. Renjun finally looked up, staring right ahead.

The face of the man in front of him was familiar. The face that Renjun already knew for 5 years, from the awkward early teen to the verge of adulthood. The face Renjun had been avoided for the last year, even though they finally started to go to the same university. The face that always visited Renjun in his dreams, year after year, though uninvited and unwelcome.

Renjun didn’t know what kind of expression plastered on his face. He only knew it was the reason Jeno smiled widely and pulled him inside his embrace. Renjun was taken aback, for it had been so long since they were in each other’s arms like this. He was surprised to find out Jeno’s arms still felt the same.

There were only a couple of centimeters difference between their height, but Jeno was naturally bigger than him, making Renjun drowned inside his arms. He buried his face on his shoulders, the faint aroma of perfume mixed with cigarette gushed out Jeno’s body and jacket that was draped on Renjun’s shoulders. He was still using the same perfume, Renjun noted to himself. He could identify that mix of orange and teak wood anywhere.

“Congratulations,” Jeno whispered, patting his back.

“You’re smoking now?” Renjun asked. He could feel the low vibration of Jeno’s laugh, reverberating through his body.

“Can you smell it?” Jeno asked while loosening his hug. “I smoked one earlier.”

Renjun stepped away, suddenly conscious of the fact that the two of them were hugging so intimately in front of so many people. Fortunately, no one noticed beside Chanhee and Jihun who were still standing nearby.

“Are you cold?” Renjun asked Jeno who was visibly shivering. He was only wearing a t-shirt and a pair of jeans after giving his cobalt blue jacket to Renjun. Jeno just shrugged nonchalantly.

“Wear this jacket,” Renjun tried to give his jacket back.

“This is your inauguration, just wear the jacket,” Jeno scoffed. “I have a hoodie in my car.”

“Fetch it then.”

“Come with me,” Jeno said. His head jerked back toward the parking area, away from everyone. “Don’t you miss our Seollie?”

Seollie. Renjun couldn’t help smiling after hearing the name. The temptation to bail on Jeno, like he always did, disappeared at once.

Even though he could have given him many reasons to leave. Afterall, it was supposed to be the occasion to celebrate Renjun and his own friends from class of 2020. Jeno who entered the association last year didn’t belong in the group.

“Come on,” Jeno said again with a smile. His eyes turned into two arched lines, resembling two half moons. Seeing his signature smile sent a twinge straight to Renjun’s heart. Did he even deserve to see that smile?

“Sure,” Renjun finally nodded.

Jeno walked ahead, slipping his hands into the pocket of his jeans. Renjun trailed behind, had to walk faster to catch up with the taller man. Jeno slowed down his pace when he noticed Renjun struggled to follow.

The cars filling the area were sparsely parked. Jeno walked to Seollie, parked on the far corner of the open area.

He hadn’t seen the car for a long time. It was an ancient red Hyundai Click. Jeno’s mom used to drive it and now it seemed to be passed to his son. Seollie had been involved in many of their memories, the good one and the bad one.

All five of them, Jeno, Renjun, Donghyuck, Jaemin and Minha, learned to drive with the car. Renjun crashed it once and had to work through the summer to pay for the repair.

“Do you want to drink something?” Jeno asked, as he opened the front door and bent down to take out his hoodie. “I have a bottle of soju.”

Renjun snorted as Jeno pulled out the green bottle and gave it to him. Renjun took it so Jeno could put on his white hoodie. Jeno then climbed on the hood of the car and sat on the roof. He looked at Renjun and patted the empty space beside him.

Renjun sighed and followed suit. He passed on the soju bottle to Jeno who opened it swiftly.

“To you,” Jeno said, leaning the bottle toward Renjun. “For finally joining the association.”

“Finally,” Renjun nodded.

Jeno took a big gulp and gave the bottle to Renjun. His eyes never left Renjun’s face. Always intense, even with a smile planted on his face. Renjun raised the bottle, the leftover soju on the cold glass wet his lips. He let the alcohol flow slowly into his mouth.

Jeno’s eyes followed the movement and stopped on his lips. Nothing really changed, Renjun thought to himself, even after two years.

***

## 2015

“Good morning class!”

Yang-ssaem, the homeroom teacher, stepped into the class with a smile on her face. Jeno stood up and led the class to say their morning greeting. He settled on his chair again after that, staring at the teacher from his desk at the front row of the class.

“We have a new student,” Yang-ssaem announced to the class. “Renjun-ah! Come in!”

A boy peeked through the door apprehensively, before walking into the class and stood up next to the teacher. He was wearing a white and navy blue tracksuit, instead of a shirt and pants. The tracksuit somehow made him extra small and scrawny.

“Introduce yourself,” Yang-ssaem told the new boy.

“I’m Huang Renjun. I’m from China. Please take care of me,” the new boy introduced himself with flawless Korean. He bowed his head and smiled, showing his snaggletooth a little bit.

Jeno never thought another boy his age looked cute, but Renjun definitely did. Jeno observed Renjun’s soft eyes and slender nose, the way his lips got thinner when he smiled. He looked so pretty, he would fit right in among idols on stage.

“You can sit next to Jeno,” Yang-ssaem told Renjun, pointing to the empty seat. Renjun looked disappointed for a second, before nursing his expression back to politeness. Jeno caught that, wondering what he even did wrong. Renjun nodded and walked toward Jeno.

“You don’t like sitting next to me?” Jeno asked right after Renjun sat next to him. It came out way harsher than he intended. Renjun was taken aback, clearly didn’t expect Jeno would be so intense even before he introduced himself. Jeno was shocked himself, immediately feeling guilty for behaving rather rudely.

“It’s not you, it’s the front row. I don’t really like studying,” Renjun answered sheepishly. “I don’t even know you, so I don’t have an opinion about you yet.”

“No offense,” Renjun added.

“None taken. Sorry,” Jeno said hurriedly. He then offered his hand to try to salvage the awkward situation. “I’m Lee Jeno.”

Renjun shook his hand carefully.

“I’m sorry,” Jeno told him again.

“Okay,” Renjun shrugged.

Jeno felt so bad after what happened, he let Renjun use all his books through the classes. He made sure to invite Renjun to his table for lunch at the canteen. He also introduced Renjun to all his friends, including Lee Donghyuck, Na Jaemin and Baek Minha who were his longest and closest friends—even though they were all in different classes.

“You’re cute,” Jaemin commented immediately.

“Thanks?” Renjun snorted. Jeno liked how confident and laid-back Renjun was, even on his first day at a school in a foreign country.

“How come your Korean is so good if you’re from China?” Donghyuck asked.

“I’m from Jilin. There are a lot of people of Korean descent there, so we learn Korean at school,” Renjun answered. “I actually went to a Korean school before.”

“Wow, I didn’t know that,” Minha said in awe. Renjun just grinned, clearly didn’t know what to do with Minha’s enthusiasm.

“Will you teach me Mandarin then?” Minha suddenly asked with wide eyes. “My mom made me take a lesson and I’m so bad at it.”

“Sure,” Renjun nodded.

“Let’s go to Jeno’s house then. We always hang out there after school,” Jaemin suggested right away.

“Yah, why are you inviting someone to another people’s house?” Jeno scoffed.

“You don’t want me to come?” Renjun asked right away, eyes flickered with mischief. He couldn’t resist giving Jeno the taste of his own medicine.

“I mean, sure, you can come, if you want,” Jeno shrugged.

“Deal then,” Jaemin nodded, satisfied. The bell rang through the school, signaling the end of the lunch break. The five of them said goodbye before going back to their classes.

“See you after school!” Donghyuck and Jaemin said to Renjun who just grinned and nodded.

Four hours later, they gathered in Jeno’s room to watch Kingsman while chewing on tteokbokki. Minha’s Mandarin lesson book was forgotten in the corner. Renjun settled between them so naturally.

They laughed at the same jokes and marvelled at the same cool things, as if Renjun had been friends with them forever.

Renjun was the last one to leave Jeno’s house that afternoon. He looked back at Jeno timidly before crossing the threshold of the front door.

“Thank you, Jeno-yah,” Renjun said with a low voice. “Thank you for inviting me here.”

Jeno smiled until his eyes disappeared into two lines. Renjun smiled back, his snaggletooth peeked through his lips.

“No problem,” Jeno said warmly.

“See you at school!” Renjun said, waving before running outside. Jeno waved back and watched Renjun walking away. With a smile still planted on his face, Jeno retreated inside and closed the door.

***

## 2020

“It’s so weird seeing you without the tooth,” Jeno said, after shamelessly stared at Renjun for a full minute. They took turns downing the soju between the two of them. Only half the content still left.

“Yeah, I had it fixed when I had nothing to do last year,” Renjun scoffed. “Minha said I look good without it.”

“You look good regardless,” Jeno said, fiddling around with the hem of his hoodie. Renjun scoffed dismissively, even though the compliment made him feel good.

Renjun looked ahead, watching his classmates sitting around the fire on the campground, wearing the cobalt blue jacket.

“How do you like college so far?” Jeno asked.

“Fun,” Renjun answered. “I didn’t think I had to take calculus, but… well, you can’t have everything.”

“You’ll get to design for real next year,” Jeno grinned. “Be patient.”

“Is it fun? Designing?” Renjun asked, leaning forward toward Jeno. His eyes widened with curiosity.

“It’s hard,” Jeno shrugged. “Fun, but hard.”

Renjun believed him. After all, Jeno was the reason he picked Architecture as his major in the first place—not that he would ever admit it in front of Jeno. He figured, he liked to draw and architects draw a lot, so why not?

It wasn’t like Renjun had a concrete passion he’d like to pursue, unlike Donghyuck who wanted to be a dancer since he was a child or Jaemin who went into medical school because he loved to help people. Renjun just doodled a lot and hated studying. His drawings weren’t good enough to be called art, so he didn’t even think about going to art school.

Architecture drawings were different, though. They were a lot more precise and functional, grounded more in reality rather than imagination. Renjun could handle those better, he thought. So Renjun chose Architecture for his second Suneung and he was accepted, making him Jeno’s junior.

“I don’t really see you in the building, though,” Jeno said. “Where do you usually hang out?”

“At the film club,” Renjun answered, grinning. He joined the club earlier in the year. He wasn’t really keen on making a film, he just liked to watch and talk about them. Most of the members of the club were all big film snobs like he was. He loved it over there.

“You don’t hang out with people from our major?” Jeno asked.

“Well, Chanhee is in the club as well, so we’re pretty close,” Renjun answered.

“Anyone else?” Jeno raised his eyebrows. Renjun just shrugged, didn’t see the problem.

“I mean, I have friends to have lunch with, but we never really hang out after class,” Renjun said. When Jeno looked at him in disbelief, Renjun added, “Well, it’s only been three months, so I still have plenty of time to make friends.”

“True,” Jeno nodded.

The lull in the conversation gave Renjun plenty of time to take a sip of the soju. He passed the bottle to Jeno after he was done.

“What about you?” Renjun suddenly found the courage to ask. Maybe it was the alcohol talking. “How’s Suhyun?”

Suhyun was Jeno’s girlfriend, an art student in the same university. Jeno introduced her to their gang when they just started dating earlier in the year. It was the only time Renjun ever met her. Once was enough, Renjun decided, because judging by the way Suhyun talked to him that one time, he already knew the girl didn’t like him. The sentiment was mutual. After all, Renjun desperately hoped he was the one Jeno dated instead.

Jeno chuckled, but didn’t answer right away. He only gave Renjun a meaningful look before drinking the soju.

“I do wonder about her myself,” Jeno murmured to himself, rather cryptically.

***

## 2018

“Yah, Baek Minha!” Donghyuck whispered through the fence, separating the sleeping quarters for the boys and girls. It was the first night of their school excursion to Gyeongju. Donghyuck was responsible for the class’ alcohol supply and he entrusted the bottle to Minha earlier in the day because the teacher decided to raid on their belongings.

Minha was running toward the fence, holding a canvas bag in her arms. Jeno looked around warily, afraid someone decided to pass through and saw their suspicious little transaction. While, both Jaemin and Renjun didn’t really care, they just followed along with the other two because they had nothing to do in their room.

“Hurry up!” Jeno snapped.

“Yah, yah, yah,” Renjun saw a shadow, approaching them from the nearby corridor. “Someone’s coming.”

“You owe me one,” Minha was panting when she gave the bag to Donghyuck. The boy took the bag and hid it inside his jacket.

“Oy, what are you doing over there?”

“Fuck!” Jaemin cursed. Donghyuck and Jaemin started running without even looking back at their friends.

“Run!” Jeno took Renjun’s arm and pulled him along as he sprinted away from Kwon-ssaem, their PE teacher. Renjun struggled to follow, almost tripped on his own foot. Jeno stopped for a second and almost lifted Renjun to steady him.

Donghyuck and Jaemin turned to a corridor, while Jeno and Renjun kept going straight, hoping the teacher would run after the other two.

“Yah! Lee Jeno! Huang Renjun!” Kwon-ssaem yelled. Their trick definitely didn’t work.

Of course the teacher recognized him. Everyone knows Lee Jeno, the school president and the school’s soccer team star. While the only reason anyone even heard about Renjun’s name was by association with Jeno. Huang Renjun, Jeno’s unremarkable sidekick.

They ran again, almost went around the whole building to avoid the teacher. Jeno suddenly pulled Renjun’s arm a little harder and slipped inside the janitor closet. Renjun slid in, directly facing Jeno as the sound of Kwon-ssaem’s steps was coming closer.

It was really tight inside the closet. Their chests were pressed together without any significant distance. Renjun had to slightly bend to his side so he wasn’t literally in Jeno’s face.

“Jeno-yah…” Kwon-ssaem called out, stopping somewhere nearby. “Renjunnie…”

Kwon-ssaem stepped closer and closer. Jeno was breathing rather heavily so Renjun put his hand on his mouth to block the noise when Kwon-ssaem came to a halt right outside the closet door.  
Jeno’s eyes suddenly widened and tried to turn away, even though there was no space to even do that. Renjun gave Jeno a warning look when their eyes met.

“What are you doing?” Renjun mouthed silently. Jeno just shook his head and pulled Renjun’s hand away from his face.

It felt like forever until they heard Kwon-ssaem’s walked away. Renjun let out a deep sigh and leaned his head on Jeno’s shoulder, suddenly exhausted. He could feel Jeno tensed up under his touch.

“Wow, I’m sorry, okay?” Renjun straightened up to put as much distance between him and Jeno as he could.

“No,” Jeno said with a pained expression on his face, even though he was still trying to squirm away with his whole body. Renjun furrowed his eyebrows, genuinely didn’t understand what went through Jeno’s mind.

Renjun took his time to assess the situation they were in. Suddenly, Renjun was aware of the nonexistent distance between them. Jeno’s whole body pressed against him, from his shoulders to his thighs. Both Jeno’s arms were on either side of him. Renjun could feel him. All of him.

When did Jeno get so huge? Renjun felt so small compared to him all of a sudden.

“Should we go out?” Renjun whispered. Jeno nodded immediately. Renjun reached for the door handle, about to push it open when they heard someone was actually running toward them. Renjun stopped, scared stiff someone would catch them.

They both waited for what Renjun felt like forever. Looking directly at Jeno was too awkward somehow, so he looked down, trying hard not to touch Jeno anywhere. Jeno didn’t react directly, but Renjun could feel Juno turned his head to face him.

Jeno’s warm breath caressed the side of Renjun’s cheek. It tickled, not just on the cheek, but all over. His heart started to beat faster and faster. Renjun was sure Jeno heard it too. Maybe it was Juno’s heartbeat instead of his.

Renjun looked up slowly so he wouldn’t startle Jeno, but Jeno didn’t even stir. Jeno was biting his lips nervously, but stopped the second their eyes met. They were so close, their faces were so close. His lips parted open, as if he was going to say something.

The corner of Jeno’s lips were curved upward, Renjun thought to himself dumbly. How come he never realized this? Maybe it was the reason Jeno always looked so soft.

“Um..” Jeno cleared his throat. His arms pushed against the partition, still trying to keep his body away from Renjun. It was useless. There was no space left to retreat. Jeno shifted uncomfortably. Renjun froze when he could feel something poked against his thigh. Something that wasn’t there before.

Shit. Was it...? Did Jeno…?

Renjun momentarily lost the capability to put together a coherent thought. His eyes darted up to Jeno’s, full of questions.

“Jen—” Renjun started, but Jeno suddenly pushed through the door and rushed out of the closet.

“I have to pee,” Jeno told him in a hurry, looking everywhere but Renjun’s face. Before Renjun could say anything, Jeno ran away. Renjun stared at his back, completely speechless.

He couldn’t even begin to wrap his mind around what just happened. The fact that Lee Jeno, his best friend for three years, had a boner because of him. Renjun blushed at the thought. He didn’t know he could affect Jeno that way, but he didn't hate it one single bit. In fact, the thought made him rather smug.

Renjun never really thought him as good looking or attractive. He knew he didn’t look bad, but he wasn’t smouldering hot like Jeno or breath-takingly beautiful like Jaemin. He didn’t even have Donghyuck’s sunny disposition and sense of humor.

At school, everyone only knew Renjun as the Chinese boy or the one fifth of Jeno’s little clique. It didn’t really bother him that much, but he still thought it would be nice to have someone think highly of him, or be attracted to him the way the young couples at school do.

He just didn’t expect that someone would be Lee Jeno.

Giddy with the thought, Renjun walked back to their room. Almost all boys in their class were there, passing around the bottle of gin. Renjun slipped between Donghyuck and Jaemin, both were sporting rosy cheeks and giggly mood after consuming the clear liquor.

“Renjunnie! Where have you been?” Jaemin gave him a hug right after he sat down, completely leaned onto him.

“Kwon-ssaem almost caught us, you idiot,” Renjun snorted. “Me and Jeno had to hide in a closet.”

“Where’s Jeno, then?” Donghyuck asked.

“Toilet,” Renjun shrugged, trying to be impassive about it.

“Yah! Give me the bottle! Renjun needs his drink!” Jaemin yelled to his classmate. The bottle swiftly found its way to Renjun who tried a taste eagerly. It burned, all the way to his stomach, and not the good kind of burn. Renjun frowned after he gulped down.

“It’s so gross, the fuck?” Renjun hurriedly washed his mouth with water. Both Jaemin and Donghyuck laughed at him.

The door suddenly opened and they all froze. Jaemin shifted ever so slightly to hide the bottle with his leg. No one even dared to turn around. Renjun did. Jeno was standing by the door frame, arms crossed.

“Party’s over. Out, everyone,” Jeno’s voice was stern. It was his no-nonsense tone. The one he liked to use when he was playing his part as the school’s president.

Their classmates grumbled but they all stood up to leave. No one actually dared to be on the wrong side of Jeno.

“Bye, guys!” Jaemin still tried to play nice.

Renjun followed Jeno with his eyes as the other boy circled the room and settled at the furthest futon, away from Renjun. He definitely avoided Renjun’s eyes. In fact, he didn’t even look at Renjun’s direction.

“I’m sleeping here,” Jeno said to no one.

“Sure,” Jaemin nodded and laid down next to him. Donghyuck curled up next to Jaemin, immediately fell asleep. Renjun had no choice but to take the last futon. He got up to turn off the light.  
Jeno’s eyes bored a hole on the side of his face, but when Renjun turned around, he averted his gaze right away. Renjun ignored him, clearly Jeno wanted it that way.

He lied down and closed his eyes. He fell asleep with a smile on his face.

***


	2. Acknowledgment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What actually happened in 2018

##  **2018**

Jeno pretended nothing ever happened in Gyeongju and Renjun went along with him, mostly because he didn’t know what he wanted from Jeno anyway. It wasn’t like he _liked_ Jeno that way.

He was just flattered that Jeno was even attracted to him. Also he thought Jeno was quite hot. And he found himself not minding the idea of dating Jeno. But that was it, really.

Jeno was just Renjun’s slightly hotter and dateable friend. That was all.

***

Renjun was lying down on the sofa in Jeno’s living room, catching up on the webtoon he was following. On the floor, Jeno and Donghyuck played a racing game Renjun didn’t really care about. Jaemin was in the kitchen, making ramyeon for all of them since he lost a bet.

That was when Renjun’s phone rang with a call from Minha.

“What’s up?” Renjun responded promptly. He could hear faint giggles, but Minha didn’t say anything. “Minha-yah?”

“Um,” Minha finally said something. “Renjun-ah, where are you?”

“Jeno’s house, why?”

A cheer from Donghyuck and a groan from Jeno marked another finished round. Donghyuck turned his head back at Renjun, staring with curiosity.

“What does she want?” Donghyuck asked. Renjun shrugged.

“You know I’m in Hongdae, right?” Minha asked. “I’m seeing my friends from the Mandarin class.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you mind coming here? My friends wanted to meet you,” Minha talked so fast, her words staggered into each other. 

“They never met a Chinese guy our age before,” she added as if trying to give more reason for Renjun to come.

Renjun paused for a second. He and Minha never really hang out alone before. Most of the time, Renjun didn’t know what to say to her—or girls in general, really. He liked spending time with Minha though, because it was so effortless. She always knew what to do or what to say and Renjun could just follow along.

“Sure…” Renjun nodded. He had nothing better to do here anyway. “Should I go now?”

“Really?” Minha sounded surprised. “I mean, okay, if you’re free.”

“Okay, just text me the cafe’s location.”

“Okay. Thank you, Renjun-ah.”

“No problem,” Renjun said, smiling even though Minha couldn’t see him. He hung up the phone and got up.

“You’re leaving?” Jaemin asked right away as he walked in, bringing a pot of ramyeon. “But I made 6 ramyeon!”

“Donghyuck can eat it,” Renjun snorted.

“Where are you going?” Donghyuck asked.

“Hongdae. Minha’s friends from her Mandarin class want to see me,” Renjun answered. “I think they wanted to practice their Mandarin.”

“Only you?” Jeno scoffed in disbelief. The three of them turned to look at him, surprised to hear his tone. 

“I mean…” Jeno stuttered for an excuse under their questioning gaze. “Why can’t we all go?”

“Yeah, I’m the only one who speaks Mandarin here, so…” Renjun shrugged. 

“You don’t mind going there?” Jeno glanced at Renjun, raising his eyebrows. It was the first time Jeno looked at him in the eyes after they got back from Gyeongju.

Not that Renjun paid attention.

“Yeah, I mean…” Renjun’s finger ran through his hair timidly. “It’s okay. I’m not doing anything anyway.”

“What is going on?” Donghyuck suddenly asked. He was watching the awkward exchange between the two and now pointed at both of them accusingly. 

“Nothing.” Both Jeno and Renjun answered immediately.

Donghyuck turned to Jaemin, looking for backup. Jaemin, who just sat on the floor and put down the pot, shrugged, completely clueless. Clearly, he didn’t see anything wrong.

“I should go,” Renjun said. He picked up his bag that was left beside the leg of the sofa. Jeno’s eyes still followed his movement and he didn’t know what to do with it. So he feigned ignorance as he always did. “See you tomorrow!”

Renjun left the house in a hurry. He looked up the cafe location Minha sent and decided to take a bus there. It took 20 minutes to get to Hongdae and another 10 minutes to find the cafe. It was a cute little cafe, located in the semi basement of a shophouse. Most of the patrons were high school students like him. More than half of them were girls though.

“Renjun!”

Renjun turned his head and saw Minha waved at him enthusiastically. Her two friends sat in front of her, nodded at him. Renjun came over and sat beside Minha, smiling politely.

“This is Jeong Yeji and Kim Songyi,” Minha introduced them, pointing at the two girls. The one who sat on the right, Yeji, had short hair and a haughty air about her. She looked friendly when she smiled though. While, Songyi looked like a girl next door with long black hair and round face.

“I’m Huang Renjun,” Renjun told them his name while shaking their hands.

“Thank you for coming,” Minha smiled at him. Her full cheeks looked redder than usual. Renjun wondered whether she put on makeup before she came here.

“No problem,” Renjun grinned. “I expect a free drink though, at least.”

“Sure,” Minha grinned back. She called the waiter so Renjun could order. “They have a lot of tea options here.”

“Really?” Renjun peeked at the menu with interest. In the end, even with many different types of tea, he still settled with his favorite jasmine tea. 

No one talked until he finished ordering. The three girls just exchanged glances and smiled to themselves, clearly communicating about something Renjun didn’t know about.

“Minha said you’re from China,” Songyi finally said something.

“Yes, I moved here three years ago,” Renjun said.

“Why did you move here?”

“For my dad’s work,” Renjun answered, waving his hand dismissively. “Do you guys want to practice speaking Mandarin?”

“Sure…” Minha shrugged.

“Because it’s been so long since I talk in Mandarin with someone other than my family,” Renjun grinned. 

Speaking his native language with people his age, using specific jokes that only worked in Mandarin. Those things seemed minor, but he missed it so much. He took it for granted when he was able to speak the language daily. Now, after living among people that speak a different language, talking in Mandarin felt special. It felt like home.

“You can talk to me, if you want,” Minha said.

“You always said you’re embarrassed though,” Renjun pouted.

“I mean, you talk, I’ll just listen.”

So they did speak in Mandarin. At first, the three girls were shy and stuttered a lot. They used Korean words when they forgot about the Mandarin counterpart, but the conversation flowed easier over time. They just talked about mundane things. The teacher in their class. Their schools and classmates. Their pets. 

Renjun loved it so much. 

Even after he and Minha left the cafe to go home, Renjun still talked in Mandarin. He told her about his classmates in Jilin and the people he had a crush on. They were all boys but Minha didn’t need to know about that. Renjun could only thank god for gender neutral pronouns in Mandarin.

“Do you want to listen to something?” Minha asked after they sat down at the back seat of the bus on the way home. Her hand offered Renjun an earphone. Renjun took it and put it on, smiling at him.

“Do you want to listen to a song in Mandarin?” Renjun asked. Minha nodded. Renjun took her phone and looked up Jay Chou on youtube. They ended up sharing an earphone, listening to Love Confession. Streets of Seoul passed by the window.

_To have you is to have the world_

_My dear, from the day I fell in love with you_

_Being sweet has been so easy_

***

Renjun walked Minha home from the bus stop. It was not much of an effort, really, since they had to pass her house to get to his. Minha seemed to be happy about it, though.

“Thank you,” Minha said. “For coming.”

“Thank _you_ ,” Renjun scoffed. “We should do this more often.”

“What?” Minha’s cheeks went red again. Her eyes widened in surprise and her lips curved upward in a shy smile. This time Renjun realized she was actually blushing. _Fuck_. Did he cause that?

Renjun’s stomach dipped and not in a good way. He started panicking internally and cursed himself for not seeing all the signs. It was so fucking obvious. Minha had been studying Mandarin for the whole time they were friends and not once she asked to converse in the language with him before—at least not since the first day they met.

Because Mandarin wasn’t what she was interested about, it was Renjun.

“I—I mean, talking in Mandarin…” Renjun stammered over his words in his haste to explain himself to Minha.

“Sure…” Minha nodded. She looked down sheepishly, watching her foot make a circle on the ground in an attempt to distract herself. Renjun wanted to shook her out of it and yelled at her ‘I’m gay, don’t do this to yourself!’.

“I should go,” Renjun cleared his throat.

“Okay,” Minha said in a small voice. “Good night.”

“Good night.”

Renjun practically ran away from her, as if he got away faster she could get over whatever it was she felt for him quicker. He only stopped when he got to the staircase leading up to his house, heart hammering inside his chest.

Leaning on the wall, Renjun tried to catch his breath. He thought about going to Donghyuck or Jaemin for advice, but he couldn’t do that Minha. How could he talk about her feelings behind her back?

“What are you doing?” 

Renjun nearly jumped out of his skin when someone talked to him out of the blue. He knew who it was before he turned his head of course. He could recognize that voice anywhere anytime.

“Yah, make some noise when you walk, will you?” Renjun barked, clutching his shirt because he was so startled. Jeno snorted at that.

“What are you doing?” Jeno asked again. 

“Nothing,” Renjun looked the other way.

“Your date with Minha went well?”

“It’s not a date!”

Their eyes met for a second and everything that happened inside the closet somewhere in Gyeongju flashed before Renjun’s eyes. Jeno’s warm breath on his cheek, their chests pressed together, his arms on either side of his body. It seemed like Jeno thought about the same thing because a pink tinged appeared on his cheeks and he averted his gaze right away.

“Minha’s friends were there too,” Renjun tried to defend himself.

“You still ran to her as soon as she called,” Jeno scoffed. 

Renjun observed his expression candidly. Jeno was refusing to meet his eyes, making it easier. Jeno’s eyebrows were knit together, eyes narrowed and arms crossed. He was annoyed at the possibility of Renjun and Minha’s relationship turned into something more than friends.

“What are you so mad about?” Renjun asked, deliberately provoking him.

“I’m not mad!” Jeno said hurriedly.

“Then stop being weird. Minha is just a friend,” Renjun said matter-of-factly. Jeno still stared at him in disbelief, so Renjun told him something to completely erase his doubt. “Also, I’m gay, so it’s not even a possibility.”

It came out so naturally, even though he didn’t plan it at all. Maybe because he knew Jeno would accept it. No, rather, it was because Jeno would _understand_.

Jeno opened his mouth to say something but no sound came out. He looked thoroughly dumbstruck and Renjun couldn’t really blame him. It didn’t come out from a bad place, Renjun knew that much, but it didn’t make it any less agonizing.

“I just came out to you. Will you say something?” Renjun’s question sounded more like a plea than he intended it to be.

“I like boys too,” Jeno took a sharp breath as he said it. A sudden rush of affection and tenderness swarmed over Renjun as he looked at his best friend. Jeno looked tense, as if he couldn’t believe he said it with his own mouth. Renjun wanted to give him a hug to calm him down, to give him assurance that it was okay. They were okay.

“What about girls?” Renjun asked.

“I like them both,” Jeno answered with a firm conviction, even though his entire body was trembling. 

“Okay,” Renjun stepped closer and wrapped his arms around Jeno. He leaned into him and completely relaxed. Burying his face into Renjun’s neck, his breath became easier. 

“Thank you for telling me,” Renjun whispered, patting Jeno’s back gently.

“Me too,” Jeno murmured. “Thank you.”

Jeno’s arms found their way around Renjun’s waist, pulling him closer. Something shifted deep inside Renjun’s heart. A knot he didn’t know he had was unfastened, making him feel a little lighter. He tightened his hug, letting all his appreciation steeped into his embrace for his best friend.

He thought admitting he was gay to himself was enough. No one else had to know. It wasn’t like he was dating someone anyway.

Well, he was wrong. 

Coming out to someone he trusted and getting the acknowledgment and understanding he didn’t even know he craved made him feel powerful and peaceful at the same time. Maybe because he knew he wasn’t alone in this, that someone actually understand how it felt and would got his back no matter what.

The arms around Renjun loosened up. Jeno pulled away slightly and lingered right in front of Renjun’s face. Renjun glanced up at him from beneath his eyelashes, as Juno looked down at him with such intensity. Renjun shivered under his gaze. 

The fleeting moment only lasted for a second. It passed by so fast, Renjun wasn’t even sure it actually happened.

“Do you want to buy an ice cream?” Jeno suddenly asked. “I actually went out to buy one but I forgot when I saw you.”

Renjun let out a loud laugh at that. Ice cream was easy. Renjun could do ice cream right about now.

“Sure,” Renjun nodded. 

They walked side by side to Dooly, the neighborhood store nearby, talking about the bet Jeno, Jaemin and Donghyuck did to decide who would wash the dishes after Renjun left this afternoon.

***

"Yah, the bus coming," Jeno warned Renjun as he started to sprint to catch the bus, leaving Renjun behind in just a few seconds. Renjun ran after him, cursing his friend for being so athletic under his breath.

The bus was packed, but they still squeezed themselves inside. They had to take the bus if they didn't want to be late for school. Renjun was panting as he slipped between the passengers and took a free handle. Jeno followed, completely unfazed even though he just did a 100 meters sprint.

"You okay?" Jeno asked.

"Fuck you," Renjun said breathlessly. Jeno laughed cheekily.

Grabbing the metal bar just above Renjun with his two hands, Jeno settled beside him. As the bus moved, both Renjun and Jeno were pushed around by the other passengers. Renjun held on to the handle for dear life.

The bus stopped and even more passengers boarded. Renjun braced himself when the doors were closed but no one pushed him. He could stand comfortably. Surprised, he turned his head around to check. The bus took a turn and he saw Jeno literally block the other passengers behind him with his entire body, just so Renjun wouldn’t be disturbed. His arms tensed as he held on to the bar for support.

Jeno gave Renjun a smile when their eyes met, not even bothered to hide what he was doing. Flustered, Renjun looked away without saying anything. He pulled out his phone and opened instagram just to make himself busy. Both Yeji and Songyi requested to follow him.

Renjun opened their pages, scrolled down to see their pictures. He could feel Jeno moved closer so he could see his screen. When Renjun lowered his phone, Jeno actually rested his chin on Renjun’s arm to get even closer.

Was Jeno always this touchy with him? Renjun didn’t notice if he was. Maybe he always was and Renjun was the one who changed. Renjun was the one who only started to see Jeno differently.

“Who’s that?” Jeno asked. The hum of his voice tickled Renjun’s ear.

“Minha’s friends,” Renjun answered. His voice came a little higher than usual. If Jeno noticed that, he didn’t show it.

Renjun glanced at their reflections in the window, at how comfortable Jeno was to snuggle up to him in public. If Renjun saw two strangers standing so close like they were, he would think they were a couple. He would even think they looked cute together.

“It’s our stop,” Jeno straightened up and loosened his grip on the bar. Renjun snapped out of his daydream, put his phone inside his pocket and followed Jeno to get out of the bus.

***

Cram school was so boring this particular night, Renjun had to pinch himself a couple of times to stop himself from falling asleep.

“Yah,” Minha poked him in the arms when his head started to fall again. “Wash your face or something.”

“Good idea,” Renjun nodded. He excused himself to the teacher and walked to the bathroom. He passed by the high-level class, filled with the overachievers like Jeno and Jaemin. They got an actual foreigner to teach the english class, Renjun found out as he peeked from the glass door.

He quickly washed his face in the bathroom before going back to his own low-level class for normal and humble students. Minha snickered when he sat back beside her.

“Your hair is sticking out,” she said.

“Where?” Renjun ran his fingers through his hair.

“There,” Minha pointed at his head.

“Fix it for me,” Renjun lowered his head toward Minha. She paused for a second before patting the back of his head to fix his hair. Renjun only realized what he did when Minha refused to look him in the eyes after.

He really was fucking dense, huh?

They ignored each other for the rest of the class. It was a good thing, in hindsight, because Renjun finally listened to the teacher for the first time in a week. He tried solving the problems himself and he actually got most of them right. Maybe math wasn’t so bad after all.

Renjun and Minha left after the class was done. They didn’t wait for Jeno and Jaemin, because the high-level class usually ended later. Instead, they met up with Donghyuck in a snack bar while he was on a break from his dance class.

“Where’s Jeno and Jaemin?” Donghyuck asked.

“They’ll join later, maybe,” Renjun shrugged as he chew on tteokbokki. All their phones buzzed at the same time. It must be from their group chat.

“Don’t wait for them. They’re going to the study room,” Minha said, looking at her phone. 

“The amount of time they study is actually insane,” Renjun shook his head in disbelief.

“They both wanted to go to SKY, so they don’t have any choice,” Minha scoffed. Renjun shivered at the thought. SKY universities—acronym of the top three universities in the country; Seoul National University, Korea University and Yonsei University—might as well be in the actual sky because they were that hard to get into.

“What about you two? Have you guys even decided?” Donghyuck asked. “It’s only a few months before suneung.”

“I’m thinking culinary school, actually,” Minha grinned. Donghyuck snorted, because just two weeks ago, she said she wants to be a psychologist.

“Just choose one already,” Donghyuck said in exasperation. 

“I’ll just wait for a year,” Renjun sighed defeatedly, even though his grade wasn’t that bad. If he buckled up and studied more, he could go to a decent university in Seoul. The only problem was he didn’t know what major he wanted to take.

“Will you take suneung this year though?” Donghyuck asked.

“I will,” Renjun nodded.

“What major will you choose?”

“Maybe product design or interior design?” Renjun said. He had definitely leaned towards design school. His older sister was a product design student and she said it had been really interesting so far. 

“Choose architecture, then. like Jeno,” Minha said. The idea of going to the same school as Jeno was tempting, of course, but Renjun had to be realistic. There was no way he could get into one of the SKY universities. At least, not this year.

“Let’s just see how it goes,” Renjun shrugged to close the topic. Being a high school senior, the topic had been talked about daily and frankly it made him sick.

“Anyway, I have to go back in,” Donghyuck said before shoving several tteok inside his mouth. “Bye guys.”

Donghyuck ran back to his class. Renjun and Minha finished their snack before leaving the snack bar to go back home. They boarded the bus, both busy with their phones throughout the ride.

“Yah, IU is having her 10th anniversary concert,” Minha suddenly said, reading the news from her phone. Both of them were the only one from their little squad who were fans of IU.

“When?” Renjun leaned closer to peek at her phone.

“Two months before suneung,” Minha chuckled. Suneung, Korean's version of SAT, would be held nation wide on the month of November. That wouldn’t stop Renjun. He had tried to buy the ticket to every IU’s concert since he moved to Seoul, but he failed every single time.

“Let’s just buy the ticket first,” Renjun said. “Then we decide after.”

“I mean, if I get the ticket, I can’t not go,” Minha snorted.

“Me too,” Renjun laughed.

“It’s decided then,” Minha’s eyes twinkled with anticipation, making Renjun hesitated for a second. But this was IU’s concert, so it was bigger than any crushes, Renjun decided.

 _But it would be just the two of you. It’s basically a date_ , a little voice inside his mind whispered to him.

 _We’re friends_ , Renjun insisted to himself. _We’re allowed to go to a concert alone._

 _Just be careful, you don’t want to lead her on_ , his reflection on the bus window warned him. He stubbornly decided he would have no problem at all.

Minha hummed IU’s Through The Night softly, smiling at Renjun when their eyes met. Ignoring the uneasy feeling inside him, Renjun smiled back. It’s okay, he assured himself. They would be okay.

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hit me up on [twitter](https://twitter.com/faiczn)


	3. Don't Go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I started writing this story, I kinda let it flow without any concrete plan and I regret it now LMAO. So I finally made the outline before I started writing this chapter, I hope it's less messy now. It got quite long and maybe a little heavier than I thought it would be. Hopefully I can finish this in 8 chapters. Anyway, I hope you still enjoy it. Any feedback is welcomed. Thank you :)

##  **2018**

“I’m going to the study room tonight,” Renjun announced as he and his four best friends visited the convenience store before their cram school started. Jeno snorted so hard, he choked on the cola he was drinking.

“Who are you and what did you do with Renjun?” Jaemin held his shoulders and shook him jokingly. Renjun pushed his hands away, annoyed.

“Oh, so that’s how you’re playing?” Minha asked with narrow eyes. Renjun and Minha were betting on who would get better grades for the midterm test. The loser would have to pay for the winner’s ticket for the IU concert. Jeno, Jaemin and Donghyuck stared at them in disbelief as Minha told them about it.

“You’re going to a concert two months before suneung? Are you two crazy?” Jeno deadpanned. Minha pouted in mocking exasperation.

“Why not, it’s just one night,” Renjun shrugged.

“Also, you two are going alone?” Jeno asked. Renjun glanced at him, raising his eyebrows. That wasn’t the right question to ask for the matter at hand.

“Jeno-yah, is that what matters?” Donghyuck scoffed. Jeno opened his mouth to defend himself but decided against it, when he realized Renjun was staring at him.

“I mean, if it motivates you to study then do it by all means,” Jaemin shrugged. Renjun grinned, knowing Jaemin always got his back. 

Donghyuck said goodbye to them before leaving for his dance school. Renjun naturally walked beside Jaemin as they exited the store and walked to the cram school. Jeno and Minha trailed behind them.

“Do you want me to accompany you in the study room?” Jaemin asked.

“Sure,” Renjun grinned. “Can you teach me biology while you’re at it?”

“Of course.”

The lobby of the cram school was crowded as everyone waited for the class to start. Renjun and Minha stopped in front of their class, while Jeno and Jaemin walked ahead to theirs. Renjun could feel Jeno’s eyes boring the side of his face. But when he turned his head, Jeno immediately averted his gaze.

What did he even do wrong, Renjun wondered for a second. He didn’t ponder on it for too long though, as he was determined to really pay attention in the class. Minha left after the class ended, but Renjun went to the study room upstairs. Almost all the desks were full, but it was incredibly quiet inside.

The air was thick with tension and determination. Renjun started to understand why everyone likes to study here. Seeing all your peers being so serious gave you a particular motivation to catch up with them. He wondered at which point the motivation would turn into a pressure instead.

He settled in one of the three empty desks in the corner, saving the others for Jaemin and Jeno. He started with his math homework, using the material he just got from the class earlier.

Jaemin showed up alone half an hour later. He poked Renjun’s shoulders, almost giving him a heart attack.

“Where’s Jeno?” Renjun whispered.

“He went home,” Jaemin whispered back. Renjun was a bit disappointed. He thought they could study, then go home together. Jaemin sat beside Renjun and took out a notebook from his bag.

“Here’s my biology notes, you can go over them,” Jaemin said in a low voice. “Just ask me if you have a question, okay?”

Someone shushed them even though they were already whispering. Renjun wanted to glare at them but he stopped himself.

“Thanks,” Renjun mouthed to Jaemin. He gave Renjun a thumb up before putting on his earphone and started to study himself. 

Hours passed by as Renjun went over Jaemin’s notes and made his own. Renjun decorated it with different colors and sketches to make it more fun. At one point, he realized maybe he put too much effort on the sketches and too little on the actual material. But at least, his notes looked pretty and he actually understood what he noted about.

“Yah, I’m going home,” Jaemin told Renjun as he yawned and stretched his arms. Renjun peeked at his phone screen. 11 PM.

“You go ahead, I’m still summarizing this chapter,” Renjun grinned. “I’ll give back your notes at school, okay?”

“Sure,” Jaemin nodded as he packed his stuff. He patted Renjun’s shoulder before he left. “See you tomorrow.”

Renjun continued for another hour before he finished. He checked his phone and read his messages. Jaemin snapped a photo of him studying and sent it to the group chat.  _ Look how hard Renjun studies now. I’m leaving and he stays back. _

Both Minha and Donghyuck sent a sticker of a shocked face. Nothing from Jeno.

After packing his bag, Renjun left the study room and went down the stairs. He could hear the sound of drizzle seeping through the window and he cursed himself for not bringing an umbrella.

Renjun ran to the bus stop without getting too wet, but the rain got harder and harder throughout his bus ride. By the time, the bus approached his stop, it turned into a downpour and there was no way Renjun could walk home without getting soaked.

He held his bag above his head as he waited for the door to open, bracing himself for the rain. He jumped out of the bus to the safety of the bus stop. His eyes fell at the figure standing at the end of the bust stop, as the bus drove away slowly. It was Jeno, wearing a black jacket and sweatpants, with an umbrella on his hand.

Renjun froze as Jeno walked up to him. Never in a million years, he would have thought Jeno would come for him like this. He just stared at Jeno when the taller boy offered him the umbrella. His face was hard to read, intention hidden behind his neutral expression.

Jeno reached for Renjun’s hand and made him take the umbrella. He did, despite his confusion. 

“Come home early,” Jeno said simply, before turning around, putting on his hoodie and running through the rain. Renjun watched his back until he disappeared just around the corner.

***

They got their midterm test result a month later. Renjun thought he did quite well and was actually excited to see his result for once. Minha, on the other hand, was quite pessimistic.

“I don’t know,” Minha shook her head when her deskmate, Sangmi, asked her about it. Renjun who sat behind her chuckled, feeling smug already.

“You’re that confident?” Jeno asked, eyes twinkling with affectionate teasing. Renjun glanced at his deskmate and shrugged noncommittally.

“Yah, Jeno and Jaemin probably ranked first and second again, but you seemed to be more satisfied with your rank,” Donghyuck snorted from behind Renjun.

“Just let me have my moment,” Renjun snapped back.

Their homeroom teacher, Oh-ssaem, walked in and stood in front of the class with an unbearably excited expression. He did this every time they received their report card, so the students already knew what made him so excited.

“First ranking for the entire year, Lee Jeno,” Oh-ssaem announced and started an applause. The students followed right away. Donghyuck whistled for good measure, simply because he knew Jeno would hate it. Jeno rolled his eyes with embarrassment and stood up to receive his card.

“Second ranking, Na Jaemin.” Unlike Jeno, Jaemin waved around his peers jokingly, basking in all the attention.

“Thank you, Jeno and Jaemin, for being in my class,” Oh-ssaem concluded with a satisfied smile, before calling the other students alphabetically. Renjun’s name was at the bottom of the list so he stopped paying attention until Minha received hers.

“Well?” Renjun asked.

“I mean… I jumped 20 ranks,” Minha shrugged. Renjun’s confidence faltered a bit. They both ranked somewhere in the middle among their entire year before. Last semester, Minha ranked higher. Only 5 ranks differences, but it was still higher.

“Ooh, having doubts now?” Jeno taunted.

“Shut up,” Renjun scoffed. He refused to even entertain his doubts. He studied really hard and he was rather proud of himself. It would sting if he lost the bet, he wasn’t going to lie. Although all the materials he studied wouldn’t be a waste, so he consoled himself with that thought. 

“Huang Renjun!” Oh-ssaem finally called.

Renjun dragged himself to the front and took his card. He gasped after he saw his ranking and grinned gleefully at Minha. Dangling his card in front of Minha’s face, he couldn’t resist gloating his victory.

“You ranked 97?” Minha asked in disbelief. Renjun did a little dance for himself. His rank was higher by a hundred compared to last semester.

“ _ Pay up, girl _ ,” Renjun mocked her in Mandarin, cackling. 

“ _ You’re so annoying _ ,” Minha sighed.

“What did you guys say talk about?” Jeno asked, eyes widened with curiosity.

“Nothing,” Renjun shrugged, too lazy to translate. It wasn’t important anyway. Jeno frowned, looked genuinely annoyed that Renjun deliberately kept him out of the loop. Renjun was going to concede when Jaemin snatched his report card to take a look.

“Yah, look how well you do if you just try,” Jaemin started to nag. Renjun rolled his eyes and took back his card. “You’re welcome, by the way.”

“Yes, yes, it’s all because of your notes, thank you very much,” Renjun said solemnly. “Now get off my back, I have a concert to attend to.”

“So you’re still going to the concert?” Jeno asked, raising his eyebrows.

“Of course, the concert was the whole point of this bet,” Renjun nodded.

“You’re not going to take someone else? Only the two of you can come?” Jeno asked, low enough so only Renjun could hear. It was the third time Jeno asked this and Renjun couldn’t help wondering what he really wanted to know by asking these seemingly meaningless questions.

“I mean you’re welcome to go with us if you want to,” Renjun wiggled his eyebrows at him to tempt him to come.

“You know I can’t. I have to study,” Jeno said.

“Then why do you even bother asking?” Renjun rolled his eyes. “I thought you wanted to come.”

“Just curious,” Jeno said nonchalantly. Renjun stared at him with narrow eyes, trying to break his calm composure. A sheepish glance and a weak “What?” were the only response Jeno could muster. His effort to conceal his thought was betrayed by a blush on his cheeks.

Renjun smiled to himself.

***

“Oh yeah, he definitely likes you,” Yuqi, Renjun’s older sister, said off-handedly as soon as Renjun finished talking about what happened between him and Jeno—or what he thought happened, more accurately. He was grateful Yuqi chose to come home this weekend since Renjun had no one else to ask about this.

“The closet thing was a give away and now he knew you’re into boys too,” Yuqi chuckled. “He’s probably just jealous you’re going to a concert with someone else.”

“But he knew I only saw Minha as a friend?” Renjun furrowed his brows in confusion.

“Minha isn't the problem,” Yuqi rolled her eyes impatiently. “Jeno doesn’t like the fact that it wasn’t  _ him _ you’re going with.”

“Oh,” he uttered dumbly. Now it all made sense.

“Right,” his sister looked so pleased with herself. “You should ask him directly, ‘Should I go or not?’.”

Renjun thought about it for a second, imagining Jeno’s reaction if Renjun really asked him that question. In his mind, Jeno would be really flustered and stammered while lying through his teeth. Just the thought of it already making him giddy. 

“Maybe I should,” he nodded to himself. 

“Now, can you go buy some ramyun. We ran out,” she stretched his arms as she climbed down her bed and walked to the door.

“Why can’t you go?” he frowned.

“Okay, scissor, rock, paper,” she suddenly turned around and started the game. Renjun groaned when he lost. Yuqi cackled before reaching for her wallet and gave him money.

Renjun took the money and put on a hoodie before going out for a short run to Dooly. He couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw Jeno inside the store, paying for snacks he was buying.

“Jeno-yah!” Renjun called out to him before the other boy left.

“Buying snacks?” Jeno asked.

“Ramyun,” Renjun answered. “Can you wait for a sec? I want to talk to you about something.”

Renjun didn’t wait for Jeno’s answer before going inside to buy ramyun, as well as banana milk for himself because there was enough money and he wanted to annoy his sister.

Jeno was sitting on the wooden bench in front of the store when Renjun got out. The way he turned his head and looked at Renjun expectantly sent flutters straight to his heart. Renjun thought it would be easy but he forgot how unnerving Jeno’s gaze was, especially when he directed it at Renjun.

“What do you want to talk about?” Jeno asked with a low voice after Renjun sat down beside him. They both stared ahead, avoiding each other’s gaze. 

“About the concert…” Renjun started.

“Yeah?” Jeno murmured.

“Should I go?” Renjun glanced at Jeno to see his reaction. Jeno turned his head toward him and their eyes locked together immediately. Somehow, Renjun knew he didn’t have to elaborate, Jeno already understood what he meant. That realization alone sent his heart into frenzy. 

“Jeno-yah, should I still go?” Renjun asked again. His voice was a little shaky the second time.

“Don’t go.” Jeno wasn’t flustered at all. He didn’t stammer. His words were loud and clear. “Don’t go to the concert.”

“Oh, um, I—” Renjun was the one who stumbled over his words. His cheeks warmed up against his will and he blinked too many times to be normal as his brain struggled to form a coherent sentence. In the end, he only managed, “I got it.”

Renjun suddenly stood up, can’t wait to escape before he embarrassed himself further.

“I should go, my sister is waiting.”

He knew it was a lame excuse, so he walked away before Jeno could react, pushing down the urge to run. Before he took a turn on his street, he found enough courage to turn his head toward the shop. Jeno was still sitting there and their eyes met for a second. He was the one who broke eye contact, visibly flustered. Renjun bit his lips to stop himself from cursing.

This time, Renjun actually ran away.

***

“You’re ready?” Minha asked.

“Yeah,” Renjun answered weakly. They were sitting side by side in front of their own computers inside a PC room. The tickets for the concert would start to be sold in a few minutes.

Renjun couldn’t bear to tell Minha he didn’t want to go to the concert anymore, so he figured the only thing he could do was self-sabotage the ticketing process. His chance was great of course, since he never scored a single ticket even though he had been trying for three years in a row.

“One minute,” Minha said through gritted teeth. Renjun looked at his screen and clicked refresh lazily. “Yah, it started!”

Renjun tried. Maybe not as hard as he should, but he did try. It didn’t matter, because the tickets were sold out in 2 minutes and they didn’t get any. Minha slumped on her chair, looking utterly disappointed.

“I’m sorry,” Renjun said.

“It’s not your fault,” Minha frowned. 

“It’s not meant to be, I guess,” Renjun patted her shoulder softly. Minha gave him a half-hearted smile.

“Maybe we should focus on suneung instead,” Minha said without even an ounce of sincerity. Renjun snorted at her bullshit.

“Come on, let’s go to Jeno’s house,” he said, pulling her up to stand.

It was a rare Saturday where Jeno decided to stop studying for a day and invited them to his house to hang out. When they got there, Donghyuck, Jeno and Jaemin were all busy with their phones.

“Yah, this is your idea of a hangout?” Renjun sneered as soon as he walked into Jeno’s bedroom. Minha settled beside Donghyuck, pulling out her own phone to join the game.

“Did you get the ticket?” Jaemin was the only one who looked up from his phone. 

“No, they’re all sold out in 2 minutes,” Minha scoffed. 

Renjun already stared at Jeno from where he stood at the door, waiting to see his reaction. Jeno finally paused his game and glanced directly at Renjun who gave him a nervous smile. The corner of Jeno’s lips raised a little and his eyes softened, making Renjun weak in the knees.

“Let’s order a pizza,” Jaemin said suddenly, completely ruining the moment between Renjun and Jeno. Donghyuck and Minha hummed in agreement.

Renjun scoffed to himself and curled up next to Jaemin on Jeno’s bed, half sitting, half lying down. Jaemin leaned on him slightly as he asked what topping to choose, even though they ended up buying the cheapest margarita pizza, as per usual. 

Jeno suddenly joined them on the bed, squeezing himself between the two of them, making Renjun tensed up by the proximity. 

“Yah, there’s no space, sit on the floor!” Jaemin complained.

“It’s my bed,” Jeno snorted. 

The bed was barely a double, so Jeno had to lie down on his side to fit. He turned to face Renjun and their eyes met for a second. They averted their gaze, both sporting flushed cheeks.

"Aigoo," Jaemin gave in and climbed over them to sit on the floor. "Yah, stop playing games, let's watch something."

"Wait ten, no twenty minutes," Minha said, eyes still fixated on her screen.

"We'll stop when the pizza comes," Donghyuck added.

Jeno rolled so he could lie down on his back. Their shoulders and arms brushed as he moved. Renjun’s heart trashed on his chest as he felt Jeno’s fingers crept on his own hand before interlacing their fingers. His hand must’ve been shaking but Jeno’s grasp was firm, grounding him.

Donghyuck and Jaemin bickers turned into static noises. Everything else seemed to come to a halt. The only things mattered were Jeno and their hands gently clasping together.

Renjun felt it everywhere, as if his skin came alive for the first time. So this was how it felt, he thought to himself, to melt under someone’s touch, to feel so much just because a certain someone held your hand. It was so overwhelming, he would faint if Jeno gave him as much as a nudge on his arm.

He never thought he would be able to experience all this romantic shit in high school. His plan was, if he’s lucky, meeting guys in college. If a relationship would be too difficult, maybe a hookup, at the very least. But this thing, he didn’t see coming at all.

“Pizza’s coming,” Jaemin announced, snapping Renjun back into reality. He hastily let go of Jeno’s hand and sat up to face Jaemin.

“Come on,” Jaemin threw his arm around Renjun’s shoulder, dragging him toward the door. Renjun glanced at Jeno for a second, who was sitting on his bed. He was frowning as his eyes stopped on Jaemin’s arms.

“Yah, you’re okay? Your face is so red,” Jaemin asked in concern.

“I’m fine.” Renjun answered as he gently pulled Jaemin’s arm away from him. If Jaemin thought something was wrong, he didn't say it.

They all went downstairs and ate the pizza in Jeno's living room, while arguing loudly which film to watch. The Wailing was chosen, almost anonymously—Renjun was the only one who opposed because he was a scaredy cat. Donghyuck, that little shit, even closed the curtain for maximum effect.

“Sit here,” Jeno patted the sofa beside him, smiling suspiciously wide. Renjun huffed, but did as he told. Jaemin, Minha and Donghyuck all sat on the floor, still munching on pizza.

The film was downright horrifying. It got everything, a remote village, a shaman, violent murders, even a fucking demon. Renjun hid behind Jeno’s shoulder every other minute, at Jeno’s delight. This time, the intimacy didn’t even make Renjun nervous because he was scared shitless already.

Halfway through the film, Jeno even started holding his shoulders so he could bury his face on Jeno’s chest instead. Renjun almost cramped his arms because he was so tense the whole time they watched it.

“Oh God, thank God,” Renjun whined after the film finally ended, slumped on the sofa. Jeno gripped Renjun's thigh as he looked at him, giggling. 

“What? It’s fucking scary, are you kidding me?” Renjun snorted defensively.

“It’s so good, though,” Donghyuck said. “Like, it got you on the edge of your seat the whole time.”

“Yes, I noticed,” Renjun said sarcastically, making Jeno laugh again.

“Wait, I’m still confused so the Japanese guy—” Jaemin started to ask about the film, but Renjun stopped listening when his phone buzzed with a call from his mom.

“ _ Wéi _ ?” Renjun answered in Mandarin.

“ _ Where are you? We’re supposed to have dinner together,”  _ Mom asked calmly.  _ Shit. _ Renjun forgot about that. They always have a family dinner every time Yuqi goes home. 

“ _ I’m in Jeno’s house. I’m leaving right now. I’ll be there in 5. _ ”

“ _ Okay. _ ”

“Guys, I have to go,” Renjun said hurriedly. Jeno raised his eyebrows, asking silently what happened. 

“My sister’s home so we’re having a family dinner,” Renjun explained right away.

“Okay,” Minha nodded. “See you Monday.”

“See you,” Renjun grinned. 

Jeno turned his head to follow him as he’s leaving the living room. When he was sure no one else was paying attention, he waved subtly and mouthed ‘bye’ at him. Jeno gave him his signature half-moon smile and Renjun swooned, as if it was the first time Jeno smiled at him like that.

Renjun escaped before Jeno could laugh at him. If he stayed, he would see the faint blush on Jeno’s cheeks instead.

***

Renjun thought Jeno would text him after being so clingy with him the whole afternoon, but he didn’t. He typed a dozen of texts to Jeno, but ended up sending nothing.

Renjun thought about what to say to Jeno before they met at school, but Jeno wasn’t there when he arrived. In fact, he came right before the bell rang, even though he was the one who usually came early.

“What happened? You never come this late,” Renjun whispered to him when he sat down. Jeno ignored him and led the class to greet Oh-ssaem instead. Renjun scoffed, but he let it go.

Jeno didn’t talk during class. In fact, he didn’t even look at Renjun at all. An uneasy feeling started to pool inside Renjun’s chest. He started to wonder what happened after he left yesterday. Jeno wouldn’t change so much in the course of a night if nothing happened.

“That’s it for today,” Kim-ssaem, their English teacher, concluded her class after the lunch break bell rang. “Class president, collect the essays and bring it to my desk.”

“Yes, ssaem,” Jeno nodded. They thanked their teacher before she left the class.

“Yah, where’s your essay?” Jeno knocked on Renjun’s desk. Renjun raised his eyebrows in disbelief, but Jeno wasn’t even looking at him. He took out his essay from his bag and gave it to Jeno without a word.

“Jaemin-ah,” Jeno turned to Jaemin and Donghyuck. The tone difference didn’t lose on Renjun. How come Jeno sounded sweeter when he talked to Jaemin?

“Did something happen after I left yesterday?” Renjun asked his friends after Jeno left. Minha who sat on Jeno’s seat to have her lunch almost choked on her rice. Jaemin offered her his water, while Donghyuck hurriedly shook his head.

“No, nothing happened,” Donghyuck said nonchalantly. Renjun stared at him with narrow eyes, but Donghyuck was unfazed. Both Minha and Jaemin looked the other way when Renjun tried to meet their eyes.

“Did you talk about me behind my back?” Renjun joked.

“No, we didn’t!” Minha answered after drinking some water. Renjun was still suspicious, but he didn’t push it.

“We talked about what we want to do after suneung,” Jaemin said, smoothly changing the topic. “Honestly, I want to go to karaoke. I feel like I haven’t been in years.”

“You can go today if you want, but you just won’t,” Renjun snorted. Jaemin rolled his eyes at that.

“I’m not even taking suneung, but after all of this is done, I just want to play games all night long in peace,” Donghyuck said.

“Me too,” Minha nodded empathically. “I just want to laze around without my mom nagging at me.” 

“That’s so sad,” Renjun pouted mockingly. Jeno came back, stopped for a second when he saw Minha sitting on his chair.

“Do you want to sit here?” Minha asked.

“No, it’s okay,” Jeno shook his head. He borrowed another chair and set it beside Jaemin. He opened his lunch box and started eating without a word.

“What about you, Renjun-ah?” Minha asked. “What do you want to do after suneung?”

“Travelling,” Renjun said. “I’ve lived here for three years and I haven’t really gone anywhere beside the mountains.”

His parents’ idea of travelling was hiking a mountain on the weekend and Renjun hated it so much because they had to leave at dawn each time. He stopped coming along two years ago. 

“Oh, you can go with Jeno,” Donghyuck said. “Didn’t you say you want to travel too?”

Renjun glanced at Jeno who finally met his eyes for the first time today. His expression was neutral and he didn’t avert his gaze when he responded coolly, “I don’t want to travel during winter, though.”

Was he just acting in front of their friends, Renjun wondered. Maybe he was just too embarrassed and decided to act as if nothing happened, like he did after they came back from Gyeongju. Did he have to go back and forth like this, though? It wasn’t fun anymore, it started to get confusing, Renjun thought to himself.

“But if we wait until winter is over, you would have gone to college,” Renjun said. Jeno’s mouth said ‘ah’ with realization.

“You should go to that garden in Gapyeong. What’s the name of the garden?” Jaemin turned to Donghyuck. “They have a lighting festival every winter.”

“Morning garden or something,” Donghyuck answered. “I went there when I was a kid.”

“Everyone must’ve gone there,” Minha scoffed. Renjun looked up the garden—it was called the Garden of Morning Calm—and he decided he wanted to go right away.

“I’ve never been,” Jeno said. Jaemin, Donghyuck and Minha looked at him, flabbergasted. Gapyeong was just less than 2 hours away by train from Seoul and it was a favourite weekend trip destination among Seoul residents.

“You know I never go anywhere…” Jeno shrugged. They all knew the reason, of course. It was because his parents were too busy to travel. Jeno’s parents were both surgeons in a big hospital and they were never home. That was why they always hang out in Jeno’s house, to keep him company when he’s home alone.

“Let’s go then,” Renjun said casually, trying not to sound too excited.

“Hm,” Jeno considered it for a second. He then looked at the other three, “No one else wants to go?”

“Nah, I hate cold,” Donghyuck, true to his natural inclination as a summer baby, shook his head.

“No thanks, don’t need to go there twice,” Jaemin declined.

“I would, but I can’t stay overnight. My mom would kill me,” Minha said.

“Who’s talking about staying the night?” Jeno opposed immediately with a faint blush on his cheeks. Renjun, on the other hand, was delighted by the idea. 

“Isn’t it too tiring to go back and forth in a day?” Minha shrugged. “Also, you could only see the lighting at night, so it might be too late to go back to Seoul after that.”

“Let’s plan it first and decide after,” Renjun said. His eyes darted back at Jeno. “But you’ll go right?”

“We’ll see,” Jeno answered noncommittally. Renjun wanted to push him until he said yes, but he didn’t want to do it in front of his friends. So he dropped it for now. Suneung was still two months away anyway.

They finished their lunch. Donghyuck and Jaemin went to the canteen to buy drinks. Minha went to talk to her girl friends. Jeno sat back on his seat and rested his head on the desk to have a quick nap.

“Jeno-yah…” Renjun nudged his arm. Jeno opened his eyes and looked at him with a tender gaze, like he did yesterday when they were holding hands on his bed. Renjun felt a twinge in his heart.

“Did I do something wrong?” Renjun asked, low enough so only Jeno could hear. For a second, Renjun could see a flash of guilt on his eyes.

“No,” Jeno whispered.

_ Then why won’t you talk to me, _ Renjun wanted to ask but he pushed out the thought. Jeno squeezed Renjun’s knee and pulled back his hand right away. Renjun wished it was enough. Just a month ago, he wouldn’t even ask for more. He wondered when he started to get so greedy? When did he start to want Jeno for himself?

“Wake me up before the class starts,” Jeno said, before burying his face inside his arms. 

Renjun looked out of the window, fighting back the urge to cry. The sky was filled with dark clouds. Drops of water hit the window. Renjun imagined them as his tears, dropping to the ground and swallowed by the earth, disappeared without a trace.

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Say hi on [twitter](https://twitter.com/faiczn)


	4. Broken

##  **2018**

“Guys, let’s have tteokbokki before cram school,” Renjun said to his friends after school. Jaemin and Donghyuck exchanged glances, obviously communicating about something Renjun didn’t know about.

“Yes, I’ve been craving it,” Minha agreed right away.

“My dance class starts early today,” Donghyuck said.

“I have to go home first, I left something.” Jaemin didn’t even try to sound convincing. He gave Jeno a meaningful look, then his eye darted back and forth between Renjun and Minha. 

Jeno’s eyes hardened for a second before he disguised it with an impassive look. Renjun caught it, though. He had been watching Jeno’s expression carefully for weeks now and he could spot the subtle shift of his emotion now.

“I have student council duty,” Jeno said, even though Renjun knew there was no way in hell the school would give Jeno something to do besides studying so close to suneung. Renjun raised his eyebrows at him, but Jeno just shrugged, as if saying ‘what else can I do’.

Renjun glanced at Minha who was visibly delighted. Something was up and Renjun didn’t like it. Did Minha tell the others she had a crush on him or something? Were they trying to set them up? And Jeno didn’t say anything against it? Even though he knew Renjun was fucking gay?

“Okay, we’ll leave you to it,” Jaemin wiggled his eyebrows at Renjun and dragged both Donghyuck and Jeno out of the class.

These fucking idiots, Renjun cursed inside his head.

“Let’s go, Renjun-ah,” Minha said. Renjun didn’t have any choice but to follow her. Minha babbled away, gossiping about Sangmi and her boyfriend on the way to the snack bar. Renjun didn’t even try to listen, he could only think about how to turn Minha down without hurting her too much.

Should he come out to his friends?

He thought about how he came out to Jeno, but he felt safe to do it because he knew Jeno wasn’t that straight either. He always had an inkling about Donghyuck as well, but he would never prod unless Donghyuck opened up to him first. Minha and Jaemin, though, Renjun had no idea. He was pretty sure they were both straight and he didn’t know how they would react if he decided to tell them.

Renjun knew most people around him, back in Jilin and now in Seoul, were pretty conservative—and homophobic, let’s be real. That was why he was thankful for his parents for raising him and his sisters to be open minded and independent from an early age. He never even had to come out to his family. He talked about his crush on a boy in his class back in elementary school. That was it really. 

He knew his parents were the exception. Not many people from his parents’ generation were as liberal as them and he counted his lucky stars everyday because of them.

Renjun and Minha ordered tteokbokki and fish cake soup before settling at one of the tables. All the patrons in the bar were high school students like them. Most of them came in a pair, a girl and a boy, maybe on a date. Renjun imagined him and Jeno going on a date like them. He came to a painful realization that even if they did go on a date, they could never be upfront about it in public. Not in this city.

“Renjun-ah, did you hear what I said?” Minha asked.

“Um, no, sorry,” Renjun chuckled nervously.

“Oh-ssaem told me I write quite well and I should apply for a literature major,” she repeated what she said without missing a beat. “What do you think?”

“I mean, if you like to write, then why not?” Renjun nodded, trying to be encouraging.

“My parents thought it would be hard to find a job, though,” Minha sighed.

“You can work in a publishing company or a magazine,” Renjun said, only half positive he was right.

“Ah, you’re right,” Minha nodded. “I’ll tell my parents later.” 

“Yah, have you watched Call Me By Your Name?” Renjun asked suddenly, steering the conversation toward what he had in mind. When Minha nodded, he added, “It’s really good, right? The ending was so sad.”

“I know,” Minha nodded enthusiastically. “I cried so hard. Timothee Chalamet’s acting is so good.”

“Yes, and he’s so handsome too,” Renjun dropped an unsubtle hint. “He’s perfect as Elio. He looked exactly like what I imagined when I read the book.”

“Do you have the book? Can I borrow it?” Minha asked right away. She didn’t even bat her eye at his awkward hint.

“Sure, I’ll bring it to school tomorrow,” Renjun nodded. 

Well, at least, now he knew Minha wasn’t offended by fictional gay men. Maybe she wouldn’t mind actual gay people as well.

***

That night, Renjun ran into Jeno in the convenience store in the early hours. He was standing very still in the ramyun aisle, staring into space.

“Jeno-yah,” Renjun called him gently. Jeno snapped out of his daze and tilted his head up. His lips curved into a smile, as soon as he saw Renjun.

“What are you doing?” Renjun asked.

“I’m… buying ramyun, I guess,” Jeno answered.

“Are you okay?” Renjun looked at him with concern. Jeno didn’t answer, still staring at him like he was content to just drink in his presence. Renjun felt a painful squeeze in his heart when he recognized something in Jeno’s eyes. Something that Jeno probably saw reflected in Renjun’s own eyes.

“I miss you,” Jeno said, so naturally. 

“You just saw me this afternoon,” Renjun stated matter-of-factly.

“You know what I mean,” Jeno said.

_ I really don’t _ , Renjun thought to himself.

“Do you want to eat in my house? I’m kinda sick of eating alone,” Jeno said, almost off-handedly, but Renjun knew better. Jeno never really asked for a company, unless he couldn’t bear the loneliness any longer.

“Okay,” Renjun said softly. 

Jeno paid for the ramyun and the eggs, before leading their way into his house. Renjun forgot what he came here to buy, decided to just follow Jeno without buying anything.

Jeno slumped down on the sofa in the living room as soon as they got in. His calm composure dissipated. He suddenly looked so weary and tired. Renjun sat next to him, wanting to give him some kind of comfort but didn’t know how.

“Can I hug you?” Jeno asked. Renjun nodded and Jeno wrapped his arms around him without another word, burying his face on Renjun’s neck. Jeno leaned on him completely until he staggered to support his weight. The smell of his shampoo filled Renjun’s nose, his body warmth spread like a flicker of fire.

“Do you still want to eat ramyun?” Renjun asked awkwardly.

“No,” Jeno’s answer was only a little louder than a whisper. His voice thrummed against Renjun’s neck, sending a shiver down his spine. They stayed that way for a while, just enjoying each other's company.

“Jeno-yah…” Renjun called. Jeno hummed in response. “Do you still want to travel after suneung?”

“Yeah,” Jeno answered in a small voice.

“What about Gapyeong?” Renjun finally dared himself to ask.

“I’ll think about it,” Jeno said. Renjun didn’t know why Jeno had to think about it so much. It was just a two hours trip out of town, it wasn’t that big of a deal. Was it because Renjun was the one who wanted to go? 

“I heard from Jaemin you applied for Interior Design?” Jeno asked, changing the topic abruptly. Renjun applied for Interior Design in multiple universities. One of them was Hongik University, the same university Yuqi went to.

“Yes,” Renjun nodded.

“Why don’t you apply for architecture? We can go to the same school,” Jeno said.

“I don’t think I’m smart enough to SKY universities,” Renjun laughed. Jeno rested his cheek on Renjun’s shoulder and looked up to him. The proximity flustered Renjun, but he tried his best to not shy away from him.

“I can go to Hongik with you,” Jeno said. Renjun lost his train of thought. The fact that Jeno even considered going to a less reputable university for him, even though he was smart enough to choose any university he wanted, gave him a sense of complacency he didn’t think he deserved.

“You wouldn’t,” Renjun snorted.

“It’s my third choice actually, after SNU and Yonsei,” Jeno said.

“But you’ll be accepted in SNU anyway,” Renjun said. Jeno pulled away and leaned back on the sofa. Renjun quietly mourned the loss of his touch, his arms around him.

“You know Hongik’s architecture school is the best in the country after SNU?” Jeno said casually. “I only chose Yonsei because my parents wanted me to.”

“What are you saying, really?” Renjun asked, started to get irritated. He knew he got ahead of himself when he thought Jeno chose Hongik for him.

“I’m just saying, it’ll be cool if we go to the same school,” Jeno shrugged.

“I don’t think I’d get accepted anywhere this year anyway,” Renjun tried to act like it wasn’t a big deal. He didn’t even want to entertain the idea in his head, because he knew it was almost impossible to achieve.

Jeno stared at him with a tight smile on his lips.

“What?” Renjun asked.

“It must’ve been great to be so laid-back about everything, huh?” Jeno asked.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Renjun frowned.

“Like, you don’t care about which university to go to. No one pressured you to,” Jeno avoided Renjun’s eyes as he talked. Envy seeped into his words like poison. “I wish my parents would let me do everything I want. My life would be much easier.”

“I bet your parents didn’t care you’re gay either, seeing how comfortable you are with this whole thing. I came onto you like this and you just let me touch you like it wasn’t a big deal.”

Renjun’s mouth opened with shock. How come a conversation about university turned into this? 

“Is that supposed to be a bad thing?” Renjun asked, genuinely confused.

“I—” Jeno let out an exasperated sigh, obviously frustrated. “See, you must’ve thought it didn’t mean anything.”

“I did not say that!” Renjun opposed right away. Jeno snorted in disbelief. Renjun was at a loss for words with his audacity to accuse Renjun of this shit. “You’re the one who kept doing all this pushing and pulling with me. You even left me alone with Minha, for God’s sake.”

Jeno turned his head away so fast, as if Renjun slapped him with his words. Regret swept over Renjun, but he refused to apologize for being honest.

“I’m still figuring this out, I’m not so sure about everything like you are,” Jeno glowered.

“This is new for me too,” Renjun murmured.

“It’s not like I can be open about this, like Minha was,” Jeno’s voice was softer, but his words still felt like a thorn on Renjun’s skin. “I’m supposed to focus on studying anyway—” 

It started to sound like an excuse and Renjun didn’t want to listen anymore. He would rather not know what Jeno felt for him if the alternative was getting rejected.

“Okay,” Renjun snapped to shut him up. He suddenly stood up and announced, “I should go, it’s really late.”

“But—” Jeno’s eyes widened as he reached for Renjun’s hand. God, his hand. It was so big compared to Renjun’s delicate hand. The squeeze on his hand from Jeno sent a flutter straight to his heart.

Renjun started to get weak again, so he pulled his hand away. Jeno let him go, although he was clearly unwilling to do so.

“See you tomorrow.”

Renjun walked out of his house before Jeno could respond. He wondered how many more times he would run away from him like this. 

***

The month leading up to the suneung passed like a blur. Everyone was on edge the whole time, especially Jeno and Jaemin. They stayed in the study room until early hours everyday and the lack of sleep started to show on their faces.

Renjun didn’t dare to bother Jeno about less important things like their feelings for each other. How could he, when Jeno clearly avoided being alone with him. He convinced himself it wasn’t personal. He couldn’t blame Jeno for prioritizing his study. It’s not like they were dating anyway.

Donghyuck auditioned for early admission at Korea National University of Arts and got accepted into Contemporary Dance major. Renjun and Minha planned a party for him. They even convinced Jeno and Jaemin to stop studying for one night. So they gathered in Jeno’s house, bought a cake and pizza, then ended the night with a bottle of soju Jeno’s dad left behind in the fridge.

Renjun fell asleep first on the carpet in the living room. He dreamt about Jeno lying down on his side on the bed. His eyes bored a hole into Renjun’s face with his intense gaze. One of his hands was holding Renjun’s, the other was stroking his cheek tenderly.

Something was actually stroking Renjun’s cheek in real life, waking him up from his sleep. His eyelids felt like it was glued together when he tried to open his eyes, making him groan softly. The first thing he saw when he opened his eyes was Jeno’s face. He blinked a couple of times, trying to convince himself it wasn’t a dream. They stared at each other for a second, no one dared to break the silence.

“Jeno-yah…” Renjun finally called.

“Hm?” Jeno hummed.

“After all this is over,” Renjun whispered. “Let’s go to Gapyeong, hm?” 

“Okay,” Jeno said in a low voice. Renjun’s lips curved slightly into a smile. Jeno’s eyes followed the movement, focusing on his lips.

Jeno caressed Renjun’s cheek tentatively. The smaller boy gulped as he leaned closer, trembling with anticipation. Pausing for a second, just an inch away from Renjun’s lips, he gave Renjun a chance to pull away. When Renjun just stayed still, Jeno gave a peck on his lips. 

Maybe it was still a dream, Renjun thought, as he locked his eyes with Jeno. His fingers trace the mole below Jeno’s eye, the tip of his nose, his chiseled jaw. Jeno closed his eyes, smacking his lips softly, clearly enjoying his touch.

“Let’s go to my room,” Jeno whispered, taking Renjun by the hand and dragged him behind the closed door, away from their friends.

The room was dark, but they found each other’s lips in no time. Renjun clasped both of Jeno’s cheeks, stood on his tippy toe so he could kiss him properly. Jeno’s arms were around him in an instance, closing the distance between them. 

Renjun felt lightheaded when Jeno used his tongue to make him open his mouth. He moaned softly as they nibbled on each other's lips, their tongues brushing. Jeno must’ve liked it because he tilted his head to kiss him deeper.

They did it slowly, both still figuring out what to do. But everything Jeno did, every touch, every kiss, already felt so good, sending Renjun into an absolute fervor. He didn’t know a first kiss could be this, well, hot. It wasn’t awkward, nor uncomfortable. It just felt right. 

“Let’s sit down,” Renjun said breathlessly. He couldn’t possibly keep standing on his toes. It was a mistake because Jeno took him to his bed. He sat down and pulled Renjun closer, clearly wanting him on his lap.

“Wait…” Renjun’s voice was shaky as he held his ground. “We’re going too fast.”

“What do you mean?” Jeno was still holding on to his arms.

“We’re making out and we’re not even dating,” Renjun said. If the light was on, Jeno would see the furious red on his cheeks. “What are we even doing?”

“You want to date me?” Jeno sounded shocked. His grip on Renjun’s arms loosened, so Renjun sat down beside him.

“You don’t have to be so offended,” Renjun snorted, trying not to sound too hurt.

“I mean…” Jeno ran his fingers through his hair nervously. “I always come on to you first, you sort of just let me. So I thought…”

“You thought what?” Renjun urged him to continue.

“I mean, we’re both interested in boys, so…” Jeno’s voice trailed off, like he wasn’t sure what he was talking about.

“So you just want to experiment, you meant?” Renjun’s blood suddenly ran cold. This was what he was afraid of all along. Jeno was just exploring his sexuality and he found out his best friend was gay so he decided to try it with him. Objectively, it would be harmless, if Renjun didn’t start catching feelings in the process.

“I don’t mind, if you want to. You can do it with me,” Jeno exclaimed hurriedly, as if it was a good thing.

“Jeno, I don’t need to experiment. I already knew I’m gay,” Renjun said impatiently. “If you want to experiment, be my guess. Just don’t do it with me.”

“Why not?” Jeno asked dumbly.

Because I won’t be able to handle it if you suddenly decide you don’t want me anymore, Renjun answered inside his head. But he can’t tell Jeno that, so he settled with the milder version of it instead. “Because I still want to be friends with you and it may get weird between us if we keep doing this.”

“But I don’t want to kiss another guy,” Jeno said.

“What do you want then, Jeno-yah?” Renjun finally demanded. “Tell me that, at least.”

Jeno didn’t say anything for a long time. It was probably the most painful silence Renjun had ever endured. All his insecurities and fears filled up his stomach, threatening to overflow. Jeno was just messing around. Jeno was done experimenting and decided he was straight after all. Jeno realized this was a mistake.

“I don’t know. I like to be with you, Renjun-ah and I want to kiss you again if you’ll let me,” Jeno said. His voice was strained thin, like it was painful for him to even say it. “But I don’t think this is the right time to date. I have to focus on studying. Both of us do.”

“Okay,” Renjun said numbly. He felt empty, like all his hopes were drained out of his body. “We’ll just go back to be friends, then.”

“Okay,” Jeno said with a small voice.

“I’m going home,” Renjun said. He got up and he could hear the bed creaked as Jeno scrambled to follow. “Don’t go after me.”

“I’m sorry,” Jeno pleaded. 

Renjun didn’t respond and left his house without looking back. His eyes were already wet with tears as he ran to his own house, but he managed to keep it together until he got to his room.

He curled up on his own bed a few minutes later, weeping into his pillow. Tears streamed down his face and his shoulders shook as he sobbed quietly. His chest hurt and he clutched on his shirt right above his heart, as if he could stop it from breaking into pieces. 

It broke anyway.

***

Renjun was sure he spectacularly flunked his suneung. He had been distracted for weeks before the test, too wrapped up in his wounded state. Instead of math problems or english grammar, he could only think about Jeno. The way he looked at him. The way they kissed. The way he broke his heart.

Renjun sighed as he walked out of the room. Everyone around him was talking about the test, but Renjun couldn’t care less. He didn’t have to compare his answers to his peers to be sure he got all of them wrong. He met Jaemin on the way out and the taller boy was positively beaming.

“So I guess you aced it,” Renjun said.

“I don’t want to jinx it,” Jaemin shook his head solemnly. Renjun rolled his eyes. “How about you?”

“Yeah, I’m taking a gap year,” Renjun deadpanned.

“So you can travel like you always wanted,” Jaemin exclaimed. Renjun was envious of the way he always sees something good in everything.

“I hope so,” Renjun nodded. Minha was waiting for them in the lobby. She waved as soon as they saw them

“Well?” Jaemin raised his eyebrows at them.

“I don’t think so,” Minha sighed.

“God, I don’t need this kind of negativity. I need to see Jeno, where is he?” Jaemin asked. Minha gestured behind them. Jeno gave them a tight smile as he stopped near them.

“How is it?” Jaemin asked.

“I don’t know, I feel like I could’ve done better,” Jeno shook his head, looking worried. “I think I counted the last few problems in the math section wrong.”

“Yeah, they were really hard,” Jaemin furrowed his eyebrows sympathetically. They both walked ahead as they discussed the test in detail. Renjun and Minha exchanged a glance, grinned at each other, before following them. They met Donghyuck at the usual snack bar, with tteokbokki and eomukguk already laid on the table for them.

“Thank you so much,” Renjun said gratefully before sitting down and gulped down the warm soup. It felt really good after enduring the cold November weather.

“Well, we’re free now,” Donghyuck said. “What should we do?”

“Watch a movie,” Minha answered.

“Sleep,” Jaemin chimed in. Donghyuck snorted at the boring answer.

“Go to Gapyeong,” Jeno added. Renjun darted his eyes toward him incredulously, seething at the audacity.

Renjun and Jeno didn’t talk much since the night they celebrated Donghyuck’s admission. They were still civil around their friends, but Renjun wouldn’t talk to him unless there was a third party that could act as a buffer. They had gotten away with it since everyone was fixated on suneung and no one really paid attention to their lack of interaction.

“Didn’t you two plan to go?” Donghyuck gestured at both Renjun and Jeno.

“Yeah,” Jeno nodded.

“No,” Renjun scoffed at the same time. He glared in disbelief at Jeno who was calmly slurping his soup. Did Jeno really think he still wanted to go to Gapyeong with him?

“Did you two fight?” Donghyuck asked, arms crossed. That was when Renjun realized him, Jaemin and Minha were looking at the two of them suspiciously.

“No,” Renjun hurriedly answered.

“What is it about?” Jaemin asked with narrow eyes.

“Nothing, we didn’t fight,” Renjun scoffed to appear nonchalant.

“So, we’re going to Gapyeong, right?” Jeno asked, definitely taking advantage of their friends’ presence.

“Fine,” Renjun snapped. Jeno looked satisfied and dropped the subject. Jaemin and Minha went back to eat the snacks, but Donghyuck still observed the two of them with unrestrained curiosity. It didn’t help that Jeno stole a glance at Renjun every other minute. 

They went home after that, too exhausted to hang out right away, to Donghyuck’s dismay. Then Jaemin started complaining that he only slept for 3 hours for months so Donghyuck gave in.

Renjun had dinner with his parents and spent half an hour washing dishes because he didn’t help cooking. He retreated to his room right away, planning to sleep for 12 hours straight.

Before he fell asleep though, he texted Minha, asking to meet her the next day, to finally have the talk he had been planning to do before suneung preparation got in the way. She replied immediately.

**Minha** : Sure, what do you want to do?

**Renjun** : I need to talk to you about something

**Renjun** : Do you want to come over?

**Renjun** : We can talk over coffee or something

**Minha** : Okay, maybe after lunch?

**Renjun** : Yeah, around 2?

**Minha** : Okay, 2 is fine.

**Renjun** : See you tomorrow

**Minha** : See you :)

***

“What did you tell your parents about suneung?” Renjun asked as he brewed coffee for Minha and tea for himself. The girl was sitting at the dining table, watching him moving swiftly around the kitchen.

“Milk?” Renjun asked. Minha shook her head.

“I said I did fine,” Minha chuckled. “I’ll just wait until the results come. You?”

“I tried lying, but my mom caught me right away,” Renjun snorted. “They weren’t mad, but they said I need to get a job because they won’t give me any allowance after I graduate.”

“Whoa, really? Not a single cent?” Minha grimaced.

“Yeah, well, it’s the price I have to pay for having too much freedom,” Renjun shrugged. His parents taught him to be independent and that included being responsible for his own choices. If he didn’t like studying, well, he had to get a job.

“But you’ll still study for suneung next year, right?”

“Yeah, but I want to travel first. Maybe for a month or two.”

Renjun brought two cups to the table and put one in front of Minha before he sat down in front of her. She smiled gratefully and took a sip.

“What about you? What’s your plan?”

“I’m pretty sure my mom would make me go to a cram school for the entire year,” Minha sighed. “So yeah, that’s that.”

“Will you still try for a literature major?”

“I think so.”

Renjun sipped his tea, thinking about other topics to talk about so he could delay talking about what really mattered. He had been preparing to tell Minha, then eventually Jaemin and Donghyuck for a month now, but it was still nerve-wracking to say the least.

“I feel like it has been so long since we talked like this.” She smiled wistfully.

“I know, I’m sorry,” Renjun said. It wasn’t just Jeno he had been avoiding for more than a month. He had been keeping a distance from Minha as well. Studying was his excuse, but most of the time he just locked himself inside his room and cried over Jeno.

“It’s okay. It was just suneung ruining everything,” she chuckled.

“It’s not suneung,” he managed to blurt it out without choking up.

“What then?”

“Um, I like someone.” He traced the edge of his cup timidly. “And I got rejected, so I was just processing it.”

“Oh…” she sounded shaky. He couldn’t bear to look at her, knowing what she probably felt, so he looked down to give her privacy. “Who is it? Do I know her?”

“It’s not… uh, it’s not a girl,” he stammered nervously. He could feel his heart on his mouth. His hands started trembling so he put down his cup before he spilled his tea. “It’s a boy.”

Renjun finally looked up and looked up at Minha. Her expression was neutral, as if Renjun was still talking about suneung. Without missing a beat, she said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know. Are you okay?”

“No, I’m..” Renjun choked up, tears started to well up in the corner of his eyes. “I’m fine now.”

“It must’ve been hard, getting your heart broken right before suneung,” Minha’s voice was full of sympathy and Renjun felt he didn’t deserve her kindness. “Do I know the guy? Should I kick his ass?”

“No, please don’t,” Renjun shook his head, half laughing, half crying. Minha got up to fetch tissues for him. He took it gratefully and wiped his tears. “It was me who caught feelings. It wasn’t his fault.”

“You like him that much?” Minha snorted playfully. “He rejected you and you still took his side.”

“Yeah, we’re still friends. You know we won’t be petty like that,” Renjun rolled his eyes.

“We?” Minha raised her eyebrows. Renjun felt his heart skip a beat. He was determined not to name Jeno because he didn’t even want to imply Jeno was anything other than straight.

“Was the guy…?” Minha’s eyes widened with realization. 

Fuck. How can he be so stupid? Jeno would never forgive him if he outed him, accidentally or not.

“Was it Jeno?” Minha asked breathlessly. “That was why you two were so weird around each other.”

“Yeah, but it was one-sided, okay? He wasn’t like…” Renjun hurriedly tried to explain. Minha didn’t seem to listen to him. She was clenching her jaw, like she was struggling to contain herself.

“No, yeah, I know Jeno’s straight,” Minha said offhandedly and it felt like salt on his already wounded heart. He should get over it, she didn’t know what was going on with Jeno in detail and he couldn’t take offense for that.

“When did you tell Jeno?” she urged.

“Um, I came out to him after we went to the cafe in Hongdae,” Renjun shrugged.

“So he knew for months already…”

“What is this about, Minha-yah? Does it matter when he found out?” Renjun asked, worried.

“No, it’s nothing…” Minha turned away for a second. Renjun said nothing to give her space she obviously needed. When she finally looked back at him, her expression was neutral again.

“So, um, will you and Jeno be okay?” Minha asked. “Isn’t it weird to go to Gapyeong alone with him after all that?”

“It is weird,” Renjun sighed. He sipped his already cold tea. “I don’t even know why he still wants to go.”

“Maybe he’s just trying to be friends again, you know?” Minha said thoughtfully. “It’s his way to tell you nothing will have to change.”

But that was the problem, wasn’t it? Renjun didn’t want to be friends again. He liked Jeno too much to pretend nothing ever happened between them. Just the thought of it made his stomach churned.

“You should go and talk it out,” Minha patted his shoulder. Renjun knew she was right, as much as he was reluctant to accept it, so he nodded his head.

“Thank you,” Renjun smiled at her, trying to insert as much gratitude as he could into those two words. 

“No problem,” Minha grinned back and shrugged as if it was not a big deal. Renjun didn’t know what he did to deserve her, but he was grateful for whatever higher power that was responsible to introduce her in his life.

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew it got way angstier than I planned before, sorry about that. Poor Jeno was so overwhelmed by his attraction to Renjun and the pressure to do well in his suneung. He couldn't even talk to Renjun well enough without offending him, while Renjun was too wrapped up in his own head to see Jeno's struggle. Teenagers, really pfft.
> 
> OOT, but Minha and Renjun's relationship was based on a personal story of mine. I've been in Minha's position before and I hope to God I handled it as well as her.
> 
> As always, you can say hi to on [twitter](https://twitter.com/faiczn)


	5. Gapyeong

##  **2018**

Jeno and Minha weren’t talking on Monday. It was only the second time they fought, according to Donghyuck. The first time was when they were in 7th grade. Jeno and Minha refused to talk about what they fought about. Donghyuck and Jaemin still didn’t know what happened back then. 

The exact same thing happened now. Donghyuck and Jaemin gave up right after Jeno and Minha brushed off their first try to patch things up.

“They’ll be fine in a month,” Jaemin said during lunch break. Jeno went to the canteen to buy his lunch and didn’t come back until the break was over. Minha didn’t even have her lunch with them.

“A month?” Renjun repeated in disbelief. He frowned, felt guilty because he had a hunch he was involved in their fight somehow. Surely he could do something to help?

“They’re both stubborn, so it’s useless to even try,” Donghyuck shrugged. 

“Ugh, now we just have to divide our time to hang out with both of them,” Jaemin sighed. “Why do they have to do this right before our graduation?”

Three weeks later, Jeno and Minha were already civil enough so the five of them could gather in Jeno’s house in the middle of the night to wait for the suneung result.

Jaemin was so antsy, he had been walking back and forth around Jeno’s living room. Minha, on the other hand, was playing a game on her phone to distract herself. Renjun was reading a webtoon on his phone, while Donghyuck fell asleep on the couch with his head on Renjun’s lap.

“Yah, let me sit,” Jeno slapped Donghyuck’s thigh so he would scoot over. Donghyuck grumbled and sat up before snuggling up to Renjun. If he wasn't too focused on his phone, he would realize Jeno was scowling at Donghyuck for getting too close to him.

“Guys, it’s midnight,” Jaemin announced as he typed in his test number to check his result on the web. 

“Fuck, it’s taking so long!” Minha’s hands were definitely shaking as she waited for the web to load. Renjun closed the webtoon app calmly and opened the site, a few minutes later than his friends.

“I knew it,” Minha scoffed. Renjun shot her a questioning look. She pouted and showed him her screen, “Can you believe they tell me to try next year?”

“I’m sorry,” Renjun grimaced. “I’d probably get that as well.”

“Oh my fucking god,” Jaemin gasped out loud as his legs gave up and he slumped down on the floor.

“Well?” Donghyuck raised his eyebrows.

“SNU,” Jaemin whispered. “I got in!”

Both Renjun and Donghyuck screamed and jumped out of the sofa to give him a hug. Minha joined in a few seconds later. Jaemin was trembling inside their arms, utterly speechless.

“Congratulations!”

“I knew you’d get in!”

Renjun turned his head to Jeno who was still sitting on the sofa with his mouth open. When his eyes met Renjun’s, his lips quivered a little, giving away his true feelings. But he managed to steel up and smiled at Jaemin as he congratulated him.

“What about you?” Jaemin asked.

“I got Yonsei,” Jeno answered, still trying to look like he was completely fine. Renjun’s heart ached for him. If his friends weren’t around, he would pull Jeno into a hug and let him grieve properly instead of pretending to be okay like this.

“Jen..” Jaemin frowned immediately, looking like he wanted to cry on Jeno’s behalf. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Jeno assured him. He even chuckled and added, “My parents would be so happy.” His parents were both Yonsei alumni, that was why he chose the university in the first place.

Donghyuck, Renjun and Minha exchanged an awkward glance, not knowing what to say. They knew how hard Jeno worked for this. Jeno must’ve been heartbroken. No one bought Jeno’s act, but they couldn’t exactly call him out on it either. At least, not now.

Jaemin’s phone suddenly buzzed, breaking the silence. They all could see the screen. It was his mom.

“You should go home, tell your parents in person,” Jeno urged. Jaemin didn’t respond, just staring at Jeno as if asking if he was sure. Jeno nodded slightly. “Go home, guys, it’s okay.”

Jeno was driving them out. He wanted to fall apart alone, privately. So they respected his wish and bid him good night. Renjun lingered for a second, staring at Jeno who was refusing to meet his eyes.

“Injun-ah,” Jaemin called him. “Let’s go.”

Renjun sighed and followed them out of the house. No one said anything other than a few good nights. 

“What about you?” Donghyuck asked Renjun after they parted with Jaemin and Minha. Renjun forgot he hadn’t even checked his result. He pulled up his phone and checked the site one more time. He was told to try next year.

“Nope,” Renjun answered.

“Should I be sorry?” Donghyuck asked.

“Nah, I saw it coming,” he shrugged. Donghyuck snorted at that. He waved as he left Renjun in front of his house. Renjun waited until Donghyuck disappeared in the corner before circling back the street toward Jeno’s house.

He texted Mom, letting her know he intended to sleep in Jeno’s house, before knocking on the front door. No one answered, even after the third round of knocks. Renjun called him.

“I’m outside,” Renjun said shortly after Jeno picked up. Jeno didn’t even bother answering. The sound of his slippers echoed even before the door was opened. He was running, Renjun thought to himself in amusement.

Jeno was crying. His cheeks were wet with tears as he nestled close, hunching down so he could fit inside the smaller boy’s arms. Renjun stroked his hair tenderly until his sobs dwindled out.

“Should we go inside?” Renjun asked.

“Yeah,” Jeno nodded. Renjun guided him inside, even though he didn’t live in the house. Letting the door closed behind them, they both walked into his room. Jeno lied down on the bed and pulled Renjun down with him. He pouted when Renjun resisted.

“Let me take off my coat first, at least,” Renjun scoffed.

“Ah, right,” Jeno looked embarrassed.

After discarding his heavy winter coat, Renjun slipped under the blanket with him. He lied down on his back, staring at the ceiling. In the corner of his eyes, he could see Jeno rolled to his side so he could face Renjun. His heart was thumping so loud in his chest, he was afraid Jeno could hear it.

“Are you okay?” Renjun asked.

“Not really,” Jeno answered honestly. “I mean, Yonsei is a damn good school. I should be glad.”

“It’s okay to be sad, you know.”

“I’m not sad…” Jeno mumbled. His fingers fiddled with the bedsheet. “I’m mad at myself. I could’ve done better, should’ve done better.”

“You did the best you could,” Renjun reassured him.

“I didn’t,” Jeno said in a small voice. Renjun didn’t know what else he could’ve done better but he kept it to himself.

“What about your result?” Jeno asked. “I’m sorry I didn’t ask earlier.”

“It’s okay. I didn’t get into any university anyway,” Renjun chuckled.

“Apply for Yonsei next year,” Jeno urged. 

“We’ll see,” Renjun said noncommittally.

“Are you still mad at me?” Jeno mumbled.

“No,” Renjun answered honestly.

“Then why won’t you look at me?” Jeno pressed further.

Because Renjun didn't trust himself. Because even by looking at Jeno, he felt his defense already started to crumble.

“Renjun-ah,” Jeno called. He turned to face Jeno and their eyes met immediately. The room was dark, so Renjun couldn’t see his expression clearly, but he didn’t need the light to know what Jeno wanted. The air between them was heavy with desire and want.

“I really want to kiss you,” Jeno whispered.

“Do it then,” Renjun dared him, knowing full well he would regret it in the morning. The next second, Jeno already latched his lips onto his. Renjun welcomed it with eyes fluttered closed and mouth parted open.

This time they weren’t hesitating. It turned into an open mouthed kiss in an instance, tongue swirling and breathing heavy. Needy moans escaped his mouth as Jeno peppered kisses along his jaw and neck. Renjun’s head leaned back, giving Jeno full access to his slender neck. His body temperature rose up with every touch, lust filling up his stomach.

“You’re burning up,” Jeno teased, obviously delighted.

“Shut up,” Renjun rolled his eyes.

“Take this off,” Jeno gripped on the hem of Renjun's hoodie. Renjun raised his arms and Jeno was about to take it off when they heard the front door was opened. Jeno froze for a second and shifted away from Renjun at once. His back hit the wall forcefully in his haste to get away from Renjun. 

“Should I go?” Renjun asked, fighting the urge to cry.

“No. I’ll tell them you’re sleeping over, it’s not a big deal,” Jeno said quickly and climbed over him to get out of the room. 

Renjun curled up, hugging his knees and hid his face between them. His wound barely healed and now it gushed open again, releasing prickling pain all over. Tears welled up in his eyes but he willed them away. He couldn’t cry here, Jeno would find out. Later, he told himself.

When Jeno got back, he straightened up and pretended he wasn’t crumbling on the inside, nodding listlessly when Jeno whispered his apology. 

“Let’s go to Gapyeong tomorrow,” Jeno suddenly suggested.

“Okay,” Renjun nodded, closing his eyes so he didn’t have to look at Jeno. He wouldn’t budge even when Jeno took his hand and kissed the back of it.

His sleep was restless, his dream was filled with anguish and yearning. When he opened his eyes in the morning, they were wet with tears. Jeno’s back was facing him so he leaned his head on him, craving for any sort of touch.

Renjun stayed still until his breath started to even out. He got up and reached for his phone. Mom texted him last night, ‘ _How’s your suneung?_ ’. Then again this morning, ‘ _Still in Jeno’s house?’_.

He suddenly felt bad for his parents. The least he could do was go home last night and talk to them about his result in person, but he had to prioritize a boy who kept breaking his heart.

“Jeno-yah, I have to go home first, okay?” Renjun shook his shoulders. Jeno groaned and pulled the blanket over his head.

Renjun sighed and put on his coat before tiptoeing across Jeno’s living room and left the house. When he got to his house, his parents were having breakfast and he sat down next to Mom with an apologetic smile.

“Brush your teeth first,” Mom warned with a stern look. Renjun sighed and walked to the bathroom to wash up.

“So?” Dad asked when he joined them at the dining table. “How’s the result?”

“I have to try again next year,” Renjun answered, eyes down with shame.

“Where do you want to apply next year?”

“I’m still thinking about it.” 

“It’s your future, so take all the time you need,” Dad shrugged, always the more lenient between the two. 

“But you need to make up your mind at some point. Remember, you’re an adult now,” Mom chided gently with a concerned look.

“I know,” Renjun nodded solemnly. His parents exchanged a glance and dropped the subject. He finally started eating when his phone buzzed with a call from Jeno.

"Yes," Renjun said right after he picked up.

"Where are you?" Jeno asked urgently at the same time.

"Home," Renjun answered. "I told you."

"You weren't here when I woke up, I thought…" Jeno said hesitantly. He thought Renjun ran away like he always did. “Are we still going?”

"Yeah, right after I finish my breakfast. I’ll text you, okay?” Renjun tried to sound bright in front of his parents. It seemed to take Jeno by surprise since he didn’t say anything for a second.

“Okay,” Jeno murmured weakly. “Just let me know.”

“I will,” Renjun added before hanging up the phone. Mom was smiling at him teasingly. He sighed and asked, “What?”

“Nothing,” Mom shrugged nonchalantly.

Renjun sighed again and ignored them. He texted Jeno, ‘ _I’ll come over to your house’,_ and finished his breakfast. Mom smirked a little when he told her he was going to Gapyeong with Jeno. Renjun pretended he didn’t see that.

Jeno was inside his car when Renjun arrived, starting up the engine. He came out when he saw Renjun, smiling softly.

“You want to drive there?” Renjun asked, surprised.

“Yeah, we can take turns,” Jeno nodded. Renjun never drove again after he got his license last summer, so the thought of driving out of town terrified him. It must’ve shown on his face because Jeno chuckled. “I can drive, then, no problem.”

After Renjun changed his clothes, they left right away, guided only by a very rough plan of going to Nami Island, having dakgalbi somewhere, then visiting the Garden of the Morning Calm for the light festival.

Renjun realized he had never been alone with Jeno for more than a few hours at a time and now he would spend an entire day with him. In his normal condition, he would have no problem to fill in the lulls. Jeno never talked much anyway, he always seemed content to just listen to his friends—most of the time it was either Donghyuck or Renjun.

Today, though, Renjun felt hollow. It felt like something was constantly catching in his throat and tears kept threatening to fall. Jeno seemed to notice because he was chirpier than usual. He talked about his last trip to Busan with his parents right after he graduated elementary school. His aunt lived there and his older cousins took him to the beach.

Then he told Renjun most of the family members on his dad’s side were doctors. He hated it. Doctors never had time for their own family, Jeno said. Renjun never heard him talking this frank before.

“Is that why you want to be an architect?” Renjun asked.

“Maybe a little,” Jeno admitted shyly.

“What made you want to be one?” Renjun prodded. Jeno’s fascination with buildings was talked about regularly, but Renjun didn’t know what triggered it.

“Dongdaemun Design Plaza,” Jeno answered, grinning. “The building is so cool.”

Renjun never been there and he noted to himself to visit in the near future. Jeno happily listed all the buildings he should visit in Seoul when Renjun asked him about it. We could go together, Jeno said. Another promise. Maybe he would keep it.

They parked the car and boarded the ferry to Nami Island, huddling together for warmth. The island was pretty, even in the winter. The trees were mostly leafless, creating a melancholy sight befitting the state of Renjun’s heart. 

A stranger asked Jeno to take a picture of him and his girlfriend, then offered to take a picture of them. Jeno gave him his phone happily and threw his arm around Renjun’s shoulders. Renjun turned his head toward him, taken aback. The moment was captured in one of the pictures. Jeno loved it so much, he was smiling widely when he showed it to Renjun.

It caused a painful wrench on his heart, but Renjun ignored it.

They passed by a hotteok stand and Jeno queued to buy them one. Renjun waited nearby, hunched down to protect himself from the cold. His phone buzzed inside his pocket and he risked freezing his hand to pull it out. Jeno sent him their pictures. More than a dozen of it.

“Here,” Jeno gave him the hotteok. Renjun took it while murmuring thank you. The heat seeped through the cup, warming his hand.

“Let’s take the ferry back, I’m hungry,” Jeno said. Renjun nodded and followed him back to the dock. The ride back was agonizingly silent. Maybe Renjun’s horrible mood started to rub down on Jeno.

“Renjun-ah, are you okay?” Jeno finally asked when they were alone in the car. “Do you want to go home?”

“No,” Renjun shook his head in a hurry. “No, I’m fine.”

“You won’t even look at me,” Jeno stated. Renjun turned to look at him, to his tired face. He was trying. He kept his promise. It was Renjun who couldn’t get enough, who kept wanting more.

“Kiss me,” Renjun said.

“Now?” Jeno raised his eyebrows.

“You didn't have a problem kissing me last night.”

Jeno sighed and looked around them. Anyone passing by could clearly see what they were about to do, but the parking lot was almost abandoned anyway.

“At least let’s go to the back seat,” Jeno said. They crawled to the back, Jeno first then Renjun followed. Jeno was expecting Renjun to sit next to him and his breath hitched when Renjun climbed onto his lap instead.

“Ren…” He choked up when Renjun planted an open mouthed kiss on his neck. His hand gripped Renjun’s thigh harshly. Renjun wanted to mark him, but honest-to-god he didn’t know how. It didn’t matter to Jeno though, because when Renjun pulled away he was looking at him with glassy eyes.

“Come here,” he murmured. When their lips finally met, the kiss was lush and languid, unlike any of the rushed make out sessions before. It wasn’t a stolen moment behind everyone’s back. Today they had all the time in the world.

They stayed on the back seat for what it felt like hours. The way Jeno moaned his name with his swollen lips as he reached his high would forever be imprinted inside Renjun’s brain. Did he call Jeno’s name as he came? He would remember if he wasn’t so busy watching Jeno.

While they were cleaning up, Renjun started to loath himself even more for being so easy, but Jeno didn’t have to know that.

“I’m still hungry,” Jeno said.

“Let’s eat, then,” Renjun forced a smile. 

They slid back to the front seat right after the other. Jeno drove the car away and they already sat inside the dakgalbi restaurant fifteen minutes later. When their order arrived, Renjun snapped a picture of it and sent it to the group chat. Donghyuck cursed him not even ten seconds later.

It was dark already by the time they got to the Garden of the Morning Calm. The lights were cheesy, but Renjun would take anything at this point to feel a little bit better. Renjun sent a picture to Minha, because he wanted to tell her everything but he couldn’t. So he chickened out and sent a picture instead. 

**Minha** : Is everything okay?

 **Renjun** : Honestly, no. I feel like I’m about to break down soon

 **Minha** : Do you want me to call you?

 **Renjun** : No, I might cry. Thank you tho

“Who are you texting?” Jeno suddenly asked. Renjun winced, not realizing Jeno was watching.

“Um, Minha,” Renjun answered guiltily.

“Are you talking about me again?” Jeno’s tone was accusatory.

“No,” Renjun lied right away. When Jeno raised his eyebrows in disbelief, he yielded, “Okay, maybe a little, but I didn’t badmouth you or anything.”

“What exactly did you say to her before?” Jeno demanded. He was obviously dying to ask Renjun this question for a long time.

“That you rejected me.” Renjun’s voice was shaky. He was this close before he tipped over the edge and broke down right there in the middle of a public garden.

“What are you talking about? You’re the one who rejected me,” Jeno sighed exaggeratedly. “You said you want to go back to being friends.”

“Oh, please.” Renjun hissed at the audacity. “You didn’t want to date me, but you have no problem kis…”

“You can’t talk about that here, okay?” Jeno cut him with a glare.

People around them started to notice their argument and Jeno dragged Renjun to the car to avoid the curious gaze. When Renjun didn’t say anything, Jeno started the drive back to Seoul. Renjun turned on the radio and let the noise fill in the silence between them.

The thought of having the same argument again made Renjun so tired. He just wanted to run away and have a good cry in the safe space of his room, but he couldn’t run away this time. It was rather ironic, really, that he wanted to travel to taste freedom, but it trapped him instead.

Somewhere between Gapyeong and Seoul, Jeno pulled over to the rest area and parked the car. “Let’s talk,” Jeno urged, full of weariness.

Renjun sensed with dread that this was the beginning of an end, like everything else in their life right now. The school was over. Suneung's result was out. They would graduate right after the winter break and then Jeno would be off to college. 

This was it, Renjun thought. This was the time to be honest and stop going around in the circle of denial.

“I really like you, you know,” Renjun confessed. “You’re all I’ve ever thought about for months. I’m pretty sure I failed my suneung because of you.”

“Funny,” Jeno chuckled joylessly. “I really like you too. We’re exactly the same.”

“You didn’t fail,” Renjun rolled his eyes.

“I didn’t achieve my goal either.”

“Fair enough.”

“We like each other, why is it so hard then?” Jeno sounded like he mostly asked it to himself. Renjun had to stop himself from throwing a sarcastic remark at that.

“I want to be with you without hiding. I want to tell Minha, Donghyuck and Jaemin, at the very least,” Renjun said. Jeno’s eyes widened with horror. He ran his fingers through his hair as he struggled to say something.

Renjun knew Jeno would be against it but it still felt shitty to actually see him react like this. “I know you’re not ready for that. I can’t force you to,” Renjun sighed, repressing the impulse to lash out. 

“It was just hard, when I feel like I have to keep it a secret. When I could only watch Minha tell everyone she liked you, even though I’m the one you like,” Jeno’s voice was raw with agony.

“Well, it was pretty hard for me too. We were holding hands and hugging at night, then suddenly you wouldn’t look at me in the morning,” Renjun snapped, he couldn’t hold it in any longer. 

Tears were threatening to fall in the corner of his eyes and he let them for once. Jeno frowned when he realized Renjun was crying and he reached out to wipe the tears away. Renjun leaned into him, desperate to savour every single inch of his touch.

“I’m so sorry,” Jeno’s voice was trembling and his eyes were wet with tears. “You’re so good to me and I’m such an asshole to you. Can you believe how scared I am when Minha asks me about you. I thought she knew we were messing around and I was so ashamed of myself. Then I feel bad to you for even feeling that way.

“You’re so brave and so sure of yourself and I’m not. Frankly, I haven’t even figured out myself and I thought I shouldn’t drag you down with me. You’re too important. I feel like I would fuck up and our friendship would be ruined forever. But everytime you come near me I can’t help touching you and you always let me...”

“I’m not strong enough to say no,” Renjun laughed in between his sobs.

“You deserve better than that,” Jeno reassured. 

“I know,” Renjun murmured. They locked eyes together, conveying so much without a word. Anger, pain, regret and love bleed through in between. Renjun didn’t know who started it, maybe they both did, but suddenly their lips found each other. The kiss was salty with tears and bitter with goodbyes, full of what could’ve been, what should’ve been.

“You deserve better too, Jeno-yah,” Renjun whispered. “A real relationship. I wish you knew that.”

“Someday,” Jeno smiled wistfully.

Renjun let Jeno pull him into a hug, inhaling his scent, the faint trace of his perfume. He wept into Jeno’s chest and Jeno tightened his arms around him. It started to hurt but Renjun didn’t mind. It distracted him from the gnawing pain in his heart.

When they let go of each other, Renjun felt empty, like he drained all his emotions in one go and he had nothing left inside.

Renjun took over the driving seat on the way back. Jeno fell asleep in less than ten minutes, obviously exhausted. Renjun only woke him up after he stopped the car in front of his house.

“We’re here,” Renjun said. Jeno grunted and got out of the car to open the gate. Renjun parked the car swiftly and came over to Jeno who was waiting on the terrace of his house.

“Thank you,” Jeno murmured when Renjun gave back the key. Their fingers brushed and they both lingered for a second. 

“No problem,” Renjun pulled his hand away. He didn’t know what else to say. This wasn’t a break up. They would probably see each other again tomorrow.

“I’m leaving,” Renjun smiled awkwardly.

“Okay,” Jeno nodded. Renjun turned around and walked away without another word. He didn’t look back this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Say hi on [twitter](https://twitter.com/faiczn)


	6. Answers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been writing and rewriting this chapter for an entire week and it started to drive me insane so I just post this to get it over with LOL. It's longer than the other chapters because it covered the entire year of Jeno's struggle toward his acceptance of his own sexuality. I really hope I did his story justice. Let me know what you think!

###  **2019**

Jeno hadn’t seen Renjun for more than a month. A week after their trip to Gapyeong, Renjun left for China and stayed there through the winter break. Jeno couldn’t help thinking he did it to avoid seeing him.

Right after the new year passed, the four of them bought bottles of soju to celebrate their coming of age. They facetimed Renjun while they were drinking in Jeno’s house. Renjun congratulated them for finally becoming adults, waving at them through the screen. Jeno’s heart ached with how much he missed him.

It was their graduation day when Renjun finally came back. Minha and Jaemin ran to hug him when he entered the class. Jeno wished he could do that too, but he was only able to smile slightly when Renjun came closer and sat beside him.

Oh-ssaem came in to give them their diplomas. Jeno gave the teacher the gift that the whole class pitched in for, then they all took pictures together before joining their parents outside the building.

All his friends’ parents were there, but Jeno’s parents hadn’t arrived yet. He knew his friends felt bad because they kept distracting him with pictures. They took pictures, lots of them. The five of them together. Each of them with their parents. Each of them alone.

At one point, each of them even took a picture alone with Jeno because they ran out of ideas. Jeno was thankful for it, though, because now he had the picture of him and Renjun on their graduation day. They looked so good together, it hurt Jeno to his soul.

Jeno was called to the stage during the ceremony to receive his diploma on behalf of all the graduates. Donghyuck whistles so loud, the echo reverberated through the hall. Jeno was sure he was red with embarrassment when he turned back to the students to give his speech. Fortunately he forgot about all that when he spotted his parents among the attendees. Jeno thanked them in his speech, positively beaming.

After all the formalities were done, the five of them had a late lunch with all their parents. Jeno couldn’t even remember the last time he sat down for a meal with both of his parents present. He couldn’t be grateful enough that it happened again on his graduation day. 

The following night, the five of them met again for their first outing as adults. Donghyuck was determined to get wasted, so Jeno thought he needed to stay sober to look after him.

“We’ve delayed this for a month for you, so you’re paying for the first round,” Donghyuck told Renjun, clearly not taking no for an answer. Renjun sighed and agreed without a fuss.

They did it properly and joined the many Seoul youths flocking the street of Hongdae. First round was chicken and beer, followed by noraebang. The night was still young when they left the noraebang, so they decided to go to a bar. 

Renjun called Yuqi to ask which bar to go to since she went to Hongik University and Hongdae was definitely her turf. She told him to join her and her friends in a cramped bar near her campus. It was full of university students and the five of them happily blended in, giddy with their newfound freedom.

Yuqi and Renjun introduced their friends to each other. She came with four of her friends, Yukhei, Dejun, Kunhang, and Shuhua.

Donghyuck, who was properly buzzed already, hit the dance floor right away. Jeno and Jaemin went with him, mostly to watch his back. Renjun and Minha stayed at the table, talking with Yuqi and her friends.

Minha and Dejun joined them at the dance floor not long after, adorably tried to dance, all awkward and definitely not drunk enough. Donghyuck held their hands and showed them how to move better.

When Jeno, Jaemin and Donghyuck went back to the table to rest, Renjun and Yukhei were alone and definitely sitting too close together. They were in their own bubble, completely ignoring the three of them while they were whispering into each other’s ear. Jeno decided he hated the guy even though they only talked for less than three seconds earlier in the night.

“I need a drink,” Donghyuck was out of breath. Renjun gave him his beer and he downed it in three seconds.

“I’m going to the bar, what do you guys want?” Yukhei asked, but he was only looking at Renjun.

“I’ll have whatever you have,” Renjun smiled. Yukhei grinned and squeezed Renjun’s arm lightly before he left for the bar. Jeno felt his stomach churned in envy.

Yukhei came back not long after, bringing two glasses filled with suspicious blue liquid for them. Renjun leaned closer to say something in Yukhei’s ear. The taller guy giggled, leaned even closer. Renjun shrugged and took a couple of sips after they clinked their glasses together. 

He passed the glass on to Donghyuck who tried the drink eagearly. Donghyuck offered it to their two friends. Jaemin shook his head in disgust, but Jeno took it and finished it.

“Hey, it’s my drink!” Renjun complained.

“Don’t worry, I can buy one again for you,” Yukhei put his arm around Renjun’s shoulder. Renjun looked at him and smiled. The same smile Jeno thought only reserved for him.

Thankfully that was when Yuqi and her friends came back to the table with Minha in tow. One look from Yuqi was enough to make Yukhei take his hands off of her brother. 

“Yah, you and your friends should go home. It’s almost midnight,” Yuqi patted his brother in the back.

“Okay,” Renjun nodded obediently. Jaemin, the most sober between them, led the way out. They already boarded a bus toward their neighborhood fifteen minutes later.

“So, how was it?” Renjun asked Minha, wiggling his eyebrows teasingly. She showed him Dejun’s instagram page on her screen triumphantly.

“Well, we’re following each other on instagram now,” Minha smirked.

“Who?” Jaemin and Donghyuck leaned closer to peek.

“Dejun oppa,” Minha grinned. Jaemin looked at her with envy, clearly thinking he should’ve upped his dating game now that he didn’t have to spend all his spare time studying.

“You’re one to talk, you and Yukhei seemed to hit it off really well,” Donghyuck grinned at Renjun. Jeno tensed up at the question, simultantly dying to know his answer and would rather die than finding out.

“Nah, he’s hot but I’m not going to see him again,” Renjun snorted offhandedly. He really just casually implied that he was gay without even batting an eye over it, Jeno thougt in awe—forgot all about his jealousy.

“Wait,” Jaemin looked at Renjun with wide eyes. “I didn’t even know Injunnie swung that way.”

“Jaemin-ah, come on, keep up,” Donghyuck rolled his eyes.

“What about you? You didn’t look for a guy back there?” Renjun raised his eyebrows at Donghyuck.

“Nah, I’ll wait until I get to college,” Donghyuck shrugged.

Jeno’s jaw almost dropped to the floor, with how surprised he was. His eyes darted around his friends’ face to see their reaction. To his comfort, Jaemin and Minha looked just as shocked.

“You too?” Jaemin’s voice was a tone higher than usual. “Am I the only one who didn’t know?”

“Well, I knew about Renjun, but I just found out about Donghyuck,” Minha said.

“Why didn't you tell me?” Jaemin sulked.

“It never came up,” Donghyuck shrugged, as if they were just talking about a minuscule thing. 

Jeno didn’t understand how these two could be so laid-back about this, because it was impossible for him. Even the thought of coming out made Jeno feel like he would come apart at the seams. Donghyuck threw him a meaningful look as they got off the bus and Jeno almost broke out in cold sweat.

“Nothing changes, of course, I was just surprised,” Jaemin told Donghyuck and Renjun in a hurry while they walked back home.

“I know, Jaemin-ah,” Renjun smiled softly. “Thank you for saying that, though.”

Minha threw his arm around Donghyuck and whispered something to him. Donghyuck chuckled and gave her a hug in response. Jeno trailed behind his friends, silently freaking out. 

“Bye, guys!” Minha said to them before she got into her house. Donghyuck walked up to Jaemin and talked to him after they said goodbye to Minha to give Jeno and Renjun some space. If Jeno had any doubt before that Donghyuck knew about the two of them, it was all gone now.

“You’re okay?” Renjun whispered. Jeno could only manage to shake his head slightly. Renjun didn’t say anything else and just reached for his hand, squeezing it gently. Jeno’s heart clenched painfully with his touch.

“You don’t have to do this,” Jeno pulled his hand away. 

“You’re shaking,” Renjun pointed out.

“I’ll be fine,” Jeno shoved his hands into his pockets.

“At least talk to someone, even if it isn’t me,” Renjun said, his voice full of worry. “Don’t fall apart alone.” 

Jeno pleaded Renjun in the privacy of his own mind to stop making it harder for him, but he said nothing else to him. They said good night on the road junction, Jeno had to go straight, Jaemin to the right, Donghyuck and Renjun to the left. To Jeno’s surprise, Donghyuck called him just before he punched the password to his door.

“I’m staying over,” Donghyuck announced.

“Okay…” Jeno opened the door and let him in. Donghyuck entered the house and took off his jacket.

“Did Renjun tell you to come?” Jeno asked.

“Yeah, but he didn’t have to, I would come anyway,” Donghyuck answered honestly. Jeno sighed and slumped down on the sofa in the living room. Donghyuck sat next to him.

“How did you know?” Jeno whispered. “Am I so obvious?”

“Yeah, sorry, man,” Donghyuck shrugged. “Jaemin and Minha are fucking dense, so they didn’t notice at all, but if anyone pay attention long enough they would know.”

Jeno let out a strangled noise he intended as a sarcastic chuckle. Donghyuck patted his shoulder sympathetically.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Donghyuck asked. It was so weird because he had always been loud and sometimes a little mean. Jeno didn’t expect this gentleness from Lee Donghyuck, but the guy was always full of surprise. Donghyuck was offering his shoulder for him to lean on and the least Jeno could do was take it. 

“It’s over anyway, Renjun hates me now,” Jeno shook his head. God, he couldn’t sound more pathetic than this.

“Don’t be an idiot. Renjun could never,” Donghyuck snorted. And he was back to being a little shit. “Honestly, I don’t understand what’s the problem. I thought you like each other?”

“It’s me, I’m the problem,” Jeno said.

“Please be more specific,” Donghyuck asked in a polite mockery.

“Renjun wanted a relationship. I don’t know what I want,” Jeno answered. It was funny how he was able to strip down the problem into ten words. Because it didn’t feel that simple, it felt like that one math problem in suneung he couldn’t solve and now he lost his only chance to work it out.

“Is it because he’s a boy?” Donghyuck asked. Jeno didn’t say anything for a long time, afraid to even admit it to himself. 

Because that was what it boiled down to, right? Jeno’s inability to accept that he liked a boy that way. That it wasn’t just a raw need after they were trapped in a cramped space. That he wanted Renjun’s undivided attention and affection but he was too terrified to give the same thing to him.

Jeno liked to think he was quite open minded. People were gay and he had no problem with it, but he still couldn’t accept it for himself. Renjun was the exception, he always thought to himself. He didn’t like boys, he just liked Renjun. There was no other explanation because before Renjun, Jeno only liked girls all his life.

He tried to deny the attraction, but Renjun was too pretty, too interesting and too fucking close to him. Hopes began to grow in him after what happened in Gyeongju. When he found out Renjun was gay, he couldn’t hold himself back any longer. He needed to find out for himself.

Renjun let Jeno do everything he wanted. Jeno could touch, hug, even kiss him and he would return the affection with the same passion. Jeno was drunk with the power Renjun gave him and he started to take it for granted, breaking both of their hearts in the process.

“So you need to take time for yourself,” Donghyuck concluded, taking his silence as a yes. Jeno nodded silently. “Perfect time for a fresh start in the university. Maybe you’ll find the answer there.” 

Jeno wasn’t entirely convinced but he wanted to believe in Donghyuck. His friend was right most of the time anyway so he wouldn’t start doubting him now. Suddenly, he looked forward to university life and the changes it might bring to his life.

Jeno’s positivity only lasted one day during the orientation week. Jeno realized he was nothing without his childhood friends to fall back on. No Jaemin to smooth things over, no Donghyuck to make people laugh. He could only rely on himself and it was a terrifying thought to have.

But Jeno got over it like he always did. He was painfully awkward but he made several friends over the week. He had people to talk to during class and to have lunch with. He got to know his classmates during MT and the student association initiation too.

Most freshmen volunteered for the famous Akaraka Festival, so Jeno did the same. It was more unpaid physical labor than a volunteer work worthy of a line in his resume, but Jeno got to know students from other majors so he didn’t count it as a loss.

Jeno also met Mark Lee, a sophomore music student from Canada. Mark was just as awkward as him, but they got along pretty well. Jeno also thought he looked really cute. Maybe he always had a soft spot for cute things.

Donghyuck demanded the highly sought after tickets to the festival, so Jeno bought the tickets for his childhood friends. Jaemin had a quiz the next day and Renjun had to cut his travel short, but they both came anyway. He mostly came to watch IU’s performance but Jeno was happy to see him nonetheless.

Jeno had to help in the Architecture booths before the performance so he told his friends to come over to have dinner first. The fact that they all came wearing blue was so endearing to Jeno. He missed them so much it hurt.

“Your hair’s blond,” Jeno pointed out dumbly, reaching out to touch Renjun’s hair. Renjun let him run his fingers through his hair, smiling softly. It still sent a pang to Jeno’s heart. “Look’s good.”

“Thank you,” Renjun grinned.

“What do you guys want?” Jeno asked while serving them the complimentary ice tea. “We only have jeon left though.”

“Why do you bother asking then?” Donghyuck scoffed. “Do you have makgeolli at least?” 

“Of course.”

Jeno sat down with them after serving the food. They talked about their university life, Renjun’s trip and Minha’s new boyfriend.

“So you’re applying to Hongik this year?” Jaemin asked.

“Of course,” Minha answered shamelessly. “I’ll definitely get in and we’ll become a campus couple next year.”

“No other boyfriend?” Renjun asked—Jeno’s heart skipped a beat at the implication but no one cared beside him. Renjun looked at Jaemin then cheekily added, “Or girlfriend, of course.”

Donghyuck talked about his many hookups even though no one really wanted to hear about it. Jaemin talked about the senior he was pursuing. They already went out for a date and they will go again the very next day.

They left the booth after they finished their meal to watch the performance. Renjun and Minha were the most excited during IU’s stage, finally got to watch the concert they missed last year.

Jeno didn’t stay until the end because everyone was called to help backstage. He worked until the crack of dawn and got invited to the closing party the next day. Alcohol was free in the party so Jeno drank a little bit too much. 

It didn’t help that Mark who was sitting beside him kept giving him more drink. He sat so close to him, his hand kept touching his legs while they were talking. When their eyes met, Jeno saw a different glint in his eyes.

“Do you smoke?” Mark asked. Jeno never smoked, but he nodded anyway. He accepted the cigarette Mark offered and let him light it. It smelled awful and tasted even bitter.

“Have you been to Woodstock?” Mark asked. It’s one of the many bars located near campus. Jeno shook his head. He heard of it but he hadn’t really hung out with anyone after class. “I play there sometimes. Come by if you’re free.”

“Sure…” Jeno nodded, just to be polite.

“Where’s your phone?” Mark demanded. Jeno gave it to him, confused. Mark typed his number before returning it. He lingered for a second when their fingers brushed against each other. “Text me, will you?”

“Yes, seonbaenim,” Jeno said tentatively. Was he just imagining this or Mark was flirting with him?

“Call me hyung,” Mark grinned before going back inside. Jeno watched the door, forcing himself to stop overthinking things.

Jeno didn’t text Mark, too scared to even think about it. He couldn’t possibly make the same mistake he did with Renjun. One heartbreak was enough already. Instead, he installed tinder, looking for a one night stand. Specifically, with a girl. Three girls in a row cursed him out for even suggesting it, so he stopped using the app.

In between studying and doing assignments, Jeno filled his time with student association activities. He helped organize design workshops and competitions. When he had to find a band for the closing ceremony, he finally texted Mark. He was very nice about it and he didn’t even mention the fact that Jeno ghosted him a few months before.

The band’s vocalist was a girl called Park Suhyun. Mark introduced them and she unabashedly started to flirt with Jeno within an hour of knowing each other. Jeno avoided Mark’s gaze the whole time and he went home with Suhyun’s number saved in his phone. 

Suhyun went home to Busan for the summer break and they kept texting through the months. They never talked about anything serious. Mostly they just shared funny memes and videos. Having someone to talk to everyday was comforting, so Jeno kept texting her even though he didn’t feel anything special for the girl.

Jeno and his childhood friends drove to the beach at the start of the summer. After that, Renjun and Minha refused to even hang out with them because they needed to study. So Jeno, Donghyuck and Jaemin spent the rest of the summer holed up in his living room, playing video games.

When the fall semester started, Jeno came over to Suhyun’s dorm and they slept together. Suhyun was way more experienced than him and he would lie if he said he didn’t have a good time. They met a few more times after that but as soon as Jeno left her place each time, emptiness settled in him like a poison. Jeno wondered if it was because she was a girl? Should he sleep with a guy instead?

Oddly enough, Jeno ran into Mark when he was out drinking with his friends. Mark saw him first and went out of his way to say hi to him. One of Mark’s friends was Jeno’s senior in Architecture. So their groups blended together in no time, sharing bottles of jagermeister and tequila.

“Want a smoke?” Mark asked, with the familiar glint in his eyes. Jeno nodded and followed him outside.

The next thing he knew, they were tucked together in the back alley of the bar. Mark’s lips were on his, their bodies pressed together in a very not platonic way. His kiss made Jeno weak in the knees and not so weak below the stomach.

“Do you want to leave?” Jeno asked in a low voice.

“Will you ghost me again after?” Mark asked back playfully. Jeno stomach’s dipped and not in a pleasant way. Mark wanted more than Jeno’s wretched idea of casual fun. He couldn’t make the same mistake he did with Renjun. One heartbreak was enough.

“I think we should stop,” Jeno stepped back abruptly.

“So you did plan to ghost me,” Mark scoffed, although not unkindly.

“I’m sorry,” Jeno grimaced. He didn’t see Mark’s reaction because he hurried back inside to fetch his bag, excused himself to his friends and ran to the station to board the last train. Jeno’s legs wobbled from the sudden exercise. Thankfully, he managed to sit down before he fell over, looking down to avoid the judgmental stare from other passengers.

Jeno didn’t know how he got home, but Mom woke him up in the dead of the night. He groaned, refused to even open his eyes.

“Jeno-yah…” He felt a cold hand stroking his forehead. It felt good because the room was boiling hot and he felt like he was melting from the heat. “Why are you sleeping on the floor?”

“Eomma…” Jeno whined like a child.

“Are you sick? You’re burning up,” Mom asked gently. Jeno curled up to her, burying his face on her lap. “What’s wrong?”

It all came crashing down on him. He didn’t even know he was holding everything up that he started to hunch down from the weight of it all. His shoulders were shaking from the quiet sobs he couldn’t repress any longer.

“What happened?” He heard Dad asked warily. Mom didn’t answer, only patting his back until he calmed down.

The next thing he knew he was being carried to his room. He couldn’t remember the last time he could lean on Dad’s back like this. It must have been years. His shoulders seemed so huge before, when did he get so much smaller?

“Did you drink?” Mom asked. Jeno nodded. “Sleep it off first then take medicine in the morning, okay?”

Mom gave him a pair of pajamas to change and he did so obediently. Mom stayed with him until he fell asleep, like she used to before she started her residency when Jeno was ten, before her career took her away.

When he dragged himself out of his room in the morning, Mom was watching television in the living room. A rare sight, a welcome sight. 

“Have some porridge,” Mom said. Jeno took a bowl and sat beside Mom to have it. She touched his forehead while he was eating.

“Your fever’s down, but take the medicine anyway. Just rest today, okay?”

“Okay.”

“How are you doing?” Mom asked, caressing his shoulder. Jeno wanted to cry just from the touch. He didn’t know how much he missed it. “Having fun in the university?”

“Too much fun,” Jeno answered sarcastically, gulping down the catch in his throat along with a mouthful of porridge.

“What happened last night?”

Jeno was going to lie. He wanted to lie, but his guard was already down. Having breakfast with Mom might mean nothing to other people, but it was everything for Jeno. He felt tender and vulnerable, like his soul was already bared open no matter how much he fought against it.

“I kissed a boy last night. It wasn’t my first time doing it,” Jeno said slowly, painfully. Mom didn’t say anything and Jeno didn’t have the courage to even look at her.

“Eomma, is that wrong?” Jeno asked, pleading for something, anything. He didn’t even know what he was asking for. Forgiveness? Assurance? Relief?

“Lee Jeno, there’s nothing wrong with that,” Mom looked him in the eye and cupped both of his cheeks. “Listen to me, there’s nothing wrong with you, okay?” 

Jeno must’ve been crying because Mom was taking the bowl from his hand, put it on the table and pulled him into a tight hug. All his fear of judgment and self-hatred, his heartbreak, his first love. Everything was slowly unraveled and he cried and cried, grieving for the lost chances, for fucking things up beyond repair. Jeno cried until he was gasping from air, until all his energy completely drained and he collapsed listlessly inside her arms.

“I’m sorry, my baby. I didn’t know you’re having a hard time.” Mom patted his arm. Jeno decided this was enough. These words and encouragement was enough.

“It’s okay…” Jeno murmured as he leaned back to the sofa, suddenly embarrassed after breaking down so spectacularly like this.

“You never complain, so I thought you’re doing well,” Mom sighed painfully. “You know how scared I was to find you on the floor last night?”

“I’m sorry.” Jeno said in a low voice. Mom shook her head slightly, as if telling him he didn’t do anything wrong.

“You can tell me anything, you know that, right? I couldn’t always be here, but I’m just a phone call away. Don’t hold everything in. You’ll get sick like that.”

“I got it.” Jeno nodded timidly. 

“You can kiss anyone you like, Jeno-yah. Boy, girl, anyone. It’s okay,” Mom messed with his hair fondly before getting up. She walked to the bathroom to wash up, leaving Jeno alone with his thoughts. 

It was funny how he thought he would find the answer in the university. He was looking in all the wrong places all this time. He should’ve taken Donghyuck’s advice and focused on himself. Instead, he’d been out looking for distractions every single day since, when he could get it right here in his own house. 

Mom’s words still rang in his ears. There’s nothing wrong with you. It’s okay.

And for the first time ever, he believed her.

***

Jeno texted Mark, telling him he wanted to talk. They decided to meet in a snack bar near their campus. Mark watched him fiddling with his food without a word. He seemed to wait for Jeno to say something.

“I’m sorry,” Jeno said.

“For what?” Mark feigned ignorance.

“Being an asshole,” Jeno said sincerely. Mark let out a gentle laugh, obviously amused.

“It’s just a kiss, Jeno-yah, it doesn’t have to mean anything,” Mark said calmly.

“I thought you wanted it to mean something,” Jeno grimaced apologetically. He busied himself with pouring soju for both of them. Mark took the glass and downed it in one big gulp without waiting for Jeno.

“Well, yeah, before you literally ran away from me,” Mark snorted.

“No, hyung… it…” Jeno shook his head furiously. “It wasn’t you, really, it was just I had issues with that.”

“What issues?” Mark asked impatiently. Jeno finally finished his soju shot for a boost of bravery.

“You know… um..accepting my sexuality. That I’m… bi,” Jeno stuttered awkwardly. This was the first time he admitted it out loud. Not the noncommittal “I might want to kiss a boy but I don’t like him like that” he used to say before. This was him owning his sexuality and declaring it, maybe not proudly enough, but everyone had to start somewhere, right?

“Yeah, I figure,” Mark nodded thoughtfully.

“Yeah, I’m kinda still working through it,” Jeno ran his fingers through his hair nervously. “I mean… I liked a guy before. No, I still do…”

Mark’s eyebrow furrowed slightly, paused for a second before asking tentatively, “It’s not me, is it?”

“What?!” Jeno blurted dumbfoundedly, raising his eyebrows before breaking into an awkward laugh. “No, God no!”

“Okaaay,” Mark rolled his eyes. His cheeks tinted pink with embarrassment. “What the fuck with that reaction? Am I completely unattractive?”

“No, hyung. You are, but...” Jeno shook his head, giggling. “I was with the guy in high school, but I kinda fucked it up.”

Mark looked at him like he could understand completely what Jeno was going through. So Jeno told him everything, from the first time he laid his eyes on Renjun, until their hookup in his car last a year ago. Jeno couldn’t even talk about Renjun in detail with Donghyuck, but he found himself spilling everything to Mark.

Maybe because Mark smiled at him fondly, almost brotherly.

“I mean, it’s clear even to me that you’re in love with him,” Mark concluded matter-of-factly.

“That’s a strong word,” Jeno squirmed in his seat.

“You've literally been pining on him for years. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is, frankly,” Mark shrugged.

Jeno was floored. He had been in denial so long, it was hard to recognize that, without all the complexity of navigating queer relationship, it was just love. As simple as that. He wondered how easy it would be if he didn’t second-guess his feelings for Renjun at every turn. How simple it would be. Maybe they would’ve been dating for years at this point. He stopped himself, killing the thought right away. Even just the idea of it already hurt too much.

“You should hit him up again. Maybe it’s not too late,” Mark suggested kindly. God knows Jeno wanted to be as hopeful.

***

Jeno started to text Renjun privately instead of talking through the group chat. He visited his instagram page and watched his story so much, he must’ve been at the top of his viewers list. Sometimes he got a response, but a lot more times he got nothing. 

Jeno knew Renjun didn’t owe him anything. He never said he would wait until Jeno got his shit together, although Jeno very much wanted him to. Jeno couldn’t hold it against him but it didn’t make the clear rejection hurt any less.

Jeno didn’t know how much longer he could keep trying, how much longer he could keep holding on to the withered hope. The logical part of his brain told him to move on but Jeno didn’t know how to give up when it came to Renjun, because he had never been able to.

Jeno was drunk when he sent a long text to Renjun, wishing him luck for suneung. When he woke up the next morning and read the text, he briefly contemplated jumping out of a building somewhere to escape this disgrace.

 **Jeno** : Renjunaaa good luck for suneung tomorrow. I know how hard you study for this, I hope you did way better than me. Still hope you apply for Yonsei though. I want to see you everyday. I kinda miss you I really miss you

Renjun didn’t even open the message until he was done with the test. Jeno noticed because he kept checking the text every few minutes. Renjun typed something to send him for a full ten minutes before sending three words, _Where are you?_

 **Jeno** : Home. Why?

 **Renjun** : Can I come over?

Jeno felt his heart leapt into his throat, hands shaking when he typed a single _yes_. Renjun didn’t reply and Jeno waited by his phone for half an hour, until someone knocked on his door.

Renjun stared back at him, looked just as anxious as him. He dyed his hair back to black, transporting Jeno back to that night a year ago when he was standing in this very spot, pulling Jeno into his arms to console him. He felt a twinge in his heart at the memory.

“Hi,” Renjun said stiffly.

“Come in,” Jeno held the door open until he stepped inside and took off his shoes. “How’s your suneung?”

“I don’t know,” Renjun answered hesitantly, fussing over his coat and wouldn’t look back at him. Jeno took his coat for him and hung it on the rack. Renjun looked so small and shaky, so Jeno reached for his hands and squeezed them gently.

“You’ll be okay, you hear me? You worked so hard, you’ll be fine,” Jeno convinced him. Renjun nodded and finally looked back at him. God he was so beautiful and it took every ounce of Jeno’s willpower to not lean closer.

“Will you kiss me?” Renjun whispered.

Jeno lost all his inhibitions. He didn’t even stop to think about it twice. He pushed Renjun against the wall right in the foyer. They devoured each other’s lips hungrily, as if they had been starving for days or an entire year.

Renjun sighed softly into his mouth as he circled his arms around Jeno’s neck, fingers caressing his nape and it drove Jeno absolutely crazy. He kissed his way down to Renjun’s neck, bruising the tender skin on the curve of it. Renjun pushed his leg between Jeno’s thighs and pressed up. Jeno lost his train of thought. Renjun was never this bold before and Jeno couldn’t say he hated it.

“Renjun-ah…” Jeno whined.

“Your room?” Renjun asked.

“Yeah.” Jeno nodded weakly. Renjun took his hand and dragged him to his room. Once they were inside, Renjun straddled him and took off his shirt in a single swoop. Renjun kissed differently. He was greedier, sloppier, as if he was used to another pair of lips. The one belonged to someone else.

“Were you always this messy?” Jeno asked, wiping the wet trail Renjun left on his neck.

“I don’t know.”

“Did you learn it from someone else?” Jeno risked his dignity to ask. He had to. 

“Maybe,” Renjun muttered under his breath.

The thought of Renjun kissing another guy’s neck filled Jeno with unwarranted rage. He knew he had no right to be jealous, but he couldn’t help it. Scooping him by the waist, Jeno pushed Renjun until he lied down on his back, feeling him up until he whimpered. Tonight Jeno wanted Renjun to moan his name instead.

He got what he wanted later and he couldn’t get enough of it.

***

Jeno understood now, as he came down from his high, struggling to catch his breath. Other people could never satisfy him and made him feel at peace inside their arms. It wasn’t because of their gender, it was because they weren’t Renjun.

“What did this mean, Renjun-ah?” Jeno whispered. Renjun didn’t answer. He sat up and started to put on his clothes instead.

“So it didn’t mean anything?” Jeno demanded, lacing every single word with hurt and heartbreak.

“I’m sorry.”

“You know I’m not over you.”

“Well, now you know how I felt a year ago,” Renjun said coldly. The words digged into the gaping hole inside Jeno’s heart. Jeno wanted to be mad at him, but he couldn’t. Because he realized with a sinking feeling that he was probably already too late.

“So this is it then? Do you want me to get over you?” Jeno asked in exasperation. Maybe he was just as tired. Maybe he was just begging for Renjun to end this thing because he can’t do it himself.

Renjun’s lips quivered like he was holding back his tears.

“Get over me,” Renjun pleaded. No trace of anger left, only heartache. “Stop texting me. Let’s just stop.”

It was a nail to the coffin of Jeno’s dying hope and he accepted it without a fight. When Renjun picked up his coat and turned around to leave, Jeno didn’t stop him.

The second heartbreak was even more agonizing, if it was even possible. He walked around the campus looking like his heart had been broken into pieces and his friends didn’t hesitate to tell him so. He drowned himself with study or studio projects all through the week and got absolutely smashed on the weekend in Woodstock with Mark and his friends.

He was nursing his hangover in the canteen near the student dorm after crashing in Mark’s place when he ran into Suhyun. She was alone and invited herself to sit in front of him.

“Long time no see, Jeno-yah,” she smiled. Jeno smiled back, grateful for the company.

For the first time since they got to know each other, they had a meal together. They talked instead of making out. Jeno realized it wasn’t so bad after all.

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jeno is so hard to write, honestly. Maybe because he was so deep in denial, he couldn't even understand his own feelings. I don't want to rush his story, but at the same time, I don't want to drag it too long. That's why I tried to fit it into one chapter.
> 
> I'm sorry it's still so sad. I promise the next chapter would be brighter :)
> 
> The scene with Mark is heavily inspired by that scene in SKAM where Isak came out to Jonas. It's an excellent series about teenagers if you need something to watch hehe.
> 
> As always, say hi on [twitter](https://twitter.com/faiczn)


	7. Surreal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To make up for three chapters of angst in a row, here's an entire chapter of fluff hehe. Hope you enjoy it.

##  **2020 - Renjun**

Renjun moved out of his house into the international dorm in Yonsei University because his parents decided to switch to a smaller apartment. They basically kicked him out but Renjun thought he could immerse better in the university life this way anyway.

His roommate was a Vocal major student from Shanghai called Zhong Chenle. He was talkative and loud but they got along well. Chenle couldn’t speak Korean very well so Renjun felt responsible to accompany him everywhere. He even tagged along to the music students gathering and met Mark Lee there.

Mark invited him to hang out in his room on the 5th floor. Renjun was happy to come until he had a glimpse of Jeno in the said room and bailed the fuck out of there. He never even set foot on the floor after that.

Chenle still went there at least once a week however. It was weird that his roommate was friends with Jeno, even though Renjun himself never even talked to Jeno since he started going to Yonsei. When they saw each other in the Architecture building, or in the student association gathering, they just nodded in acknowledgment and averted their gaze right away.

That was why Renjun was shocked when Jeno texted him the night before they were supposed to meet Jaemin, Donghyuck and Minha for dinner.

**Jeno** : I’m introducing my girlfriend to everyone. I just thought you should know first.

Renjun didn’t even know he had a girlfriend. Dozens of questions popped off in his head and not even one was empathic. He started to get mad at Jeno for getting a girlfriend so soon but he knew it was unwarranted.

He had no one to blame but himself. Jeno was asking for another chance just a few months ago but he was the one who rejected him, for fear it wouldn’t work and their fragile relationship would be broken beyond repair.

Turned out their relationship would be destroyed either way.

He cried under the blanket after Chenle fell asleep and had to use a cold beer bottle for his eyes to reduce the swelling. His roommate looked at him funny but didn’t ask any questions.

The first time Renjun actually talked to Jeno was when they had dinner with Jaemin, Donghyuck and Minha. They came to Sinchon, had dinner together and had a drink in Woodstock. Mark’s band was performing and Renjun thought the vocalist was so talented, too good to perform in a dinky college bar. 

After the performance, Mark came over to their table. Renjun prayed Mark wouldn’t remember him.

“Jeno-yah,” Mark poked Jeno’s shoulders. Jeno turned to talk to him, grinning. He introduced Mark to everyone. When he got to Renjun, Mark’s eyes glinted with awareness.

“Oh so you’re Jeno’s Renjun. Of course! We met before, right?” Mark smiled knowingly, squeezing Renjun’s hand a little too hard when they shook hands. The way Mark said  _ Jeno’s Renjun _ was more painful than Renjun would like to admit. Jeno must have told Mark about him, Renjun thought with dread.

“You did?” Jeno’s eyes widened.

“He’s Chenle’s roommate,” Mark said before Renjun could stop him. Jeno glanced at Renjun, clearly hurt that he had to find out about this from Mark, but he didn’t say anything, not in front of their friends.

“Suhyun-ah!” Mark raised his hand to call someone. It was the vocalist. Instead of walking up to Mark, though, she settled beside Jeno. Oh God, she was Jeno’s girlfriend.

“Guys, this is my girlfriend,” Jeno wrapped his arm around her waist. Renjun wanted to throw up. Donghyuck took Renjun’s hand under the table, sensing his mood shift. Renjun shook his head slightly and let Donghyuck’s hand go. He managed to hold himself together well enough until Jeno left with Suhyun half an hour later.

Mark stayed at their table, talking to Donghyuck even until everyone left. Donghyuck would tell Renjun later that he went home with Mark. The rest was history.

***

Jeno started to greet him every time they met at campus. Renjun couldn’t exactly ignore him, especially around Jeno’s friends, because he was still his senior. The fact that Jeno was the one who put efforts to mend what was broken made him feel so much worse. 

Because Renjun didn’t deserve it. He had been playing victim for so long, blaming Jeno for breaking his heart. But it took two to love and Renjun realized maybe he was just as wrong, maybe he broke Jeno’s heart too.

He was certainly not proud of what happened the night after suneung last year. 

Sometimes Renjun thought he really got his karma for what he did that night because he kept running into Jeno and Suhyun around the architecture building. To avoid them, he started hanging out in the film club he joined on a whim instead of the building with his own friends.

As much as he tried to avoid Jeno, he still couldn’t escape Donghyuck every time he came around to his dorm. He was there at least once a week after he started dating Mark and he dragged Renjun to his boyfriend’s room each time.

“You had nothing better to do anyway!” He snapped when Renjun said no.

He met all Mark’s friends. His roommate, Ten, who was Renjun’s senior in Architecture. Then Sicheng and Kun who were staying in the room next door and Sicheng’s classmate in business school, Jaehyun and his roommate, Jungwoo. Finally, Renjun met Doyoung, the Architecture Student Association’s president, who was somehow friends with Mark through Ten.

He spent a few nights drinking in Mark’s room, letting them drag him to the club on the weekend. Jeno joined them only once and Renjun was able to avoid him the whole night somehow. Maybe that was what happened when your whole group could make up an entire soccer team.

If that was how his and Jeno’s entire relationship reduced to, he just had to accept it and move on. Because that was the exact same thing he asked Jeno that night. Get over him.

***

##  **2020 - Jeno**

  
“Isn’t that your friend?” Suhyun pointed toward the lobby of the architecture building, where the freshmen were gathered after their class ended. Jeno turned to look and sure enough Renjun was standing there, pointedly avoiding both of their gaze. The sight of him still sent a twinge to Jeno’s heart. He convinced himself that it was just because he wished they were still friends.

“What’s his name? I forgot…”

“Huang Renjun.”

“The Chinese guy, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Aren’t you going to say hi?” Suhyun asked. Jeno shook his head firmly and gently pulled Suhyun away.

“We’re not really talking now,” Jeno said.

“Why?” Suhyun prodded.

“I’ll tell you later, noona,” Jeno dodged the topic rather dubiously. “Let me walk you to your class.”

“You know you can tell me everything, right?” Suhyun said as they walked hand in hand to the Music Department building. Jeno wanted to tell her, but he didn’t know where to start. Also he really didn’t want to look back at his messy history with Renjun—and confronting his own residual feelings for him in the process.

Suhyun dropped the topic when they got to the building, but she brought it up again while Jeno was accompanying her while she practiced her piano a few days later.

“I used to like him,” Jeno finally confessed. Being honest was the best way to approach the topic anyway. Suhyun’s eyes widened with shock, clearly shaken by the fact that her boyfriend was bisexual. Jeno paused for a second, torn between wanting to comfort her or telling her everything quickly. He chose the latter.

“He liked me too, I guess. We hooked up in high school, but I was in denial of my own sexuality so he ended it. We didn’t really talk for almost a year, but I wasn’t over him. We hooked up again after his suneung, but he told me to get over him after. So…” Jeno went over everything hastily, as if it would be less painful for both of them that way.

“So you date me instead?” Suhyun deadpanned. Jeno flinched at the implication. She sighed and looked out to the window, murmured to herself, “I guess that’s why he wouldn’t talk to me when you introduced me to your friends.”

“Noona…” Jeno started, but he absolutely had nothing to say. Because the implication was true. He took advantage of her assertiveness when it came to their relationship. She started everything and he went along with her without too much thought.

“I mean, I knew you were heartbroken, you were so obvious about it,” she grimaced apologetically. “I just didn’t expect it was because of a guy.”

“Oh…” He didn’t expect she knew about it all along. “You never asked me about it, so I assume…”

“I thought it was too much of a hassle to talk about it,” she shrugged. 

“No, I’m the one who…” he shook his head hurriedly.

“Well, we used each other then, so no need to apologize,” she chided, effectively ending the topic. He watched her expression carefully, looking for any sign of hurt, but she was always guarded, still keeping her distance even after they started dating. Jeno wouldn’t even know if she lied to him right in his face.

“So you’re not in denial anymore?” Suhyun asked.

“Yeah, I hope so,” Jeno nodded.

“You should work it out with him, then,” Suhyun suggested. “I’m not going to stand in your way.”

“Are you…” Jeno gulped down the catch in his throat. “Are you breaking up with me?”

“Obviously,” Suhyun chuckled, although without any malice. “I’m not going to date a guy who is obviously in love with someone else.”

“I’m sorry,” Jeno pleaded, feeling really awful he wanted to throw up right then and there.

“It’s fine, really, Jeno-yah. It’s not like I’m in love with you anyway,” Suhyun said lightly. Jeno wanted to laugh at the absurdity of it all. Maybe that was why everything was so easy for them, because there were no real feelings involved in the process.

“We still can be friends, though, if you want,” Suhyun smiled kindly.

“Of course,” Jeno nodded right away.

Suhyun opened her arms and Jeno rushed to give her a hug, inserting his apology one more time in his embrace.

“Don’t be a stranger, okay?” Suhyun whispered.

“Thank you, noona. I really had a good time with you.”

“Me too.”

Suhyun patted his cheek tenderly before promptly telling him to leave so she could continue her practice. Jeno thought about his break up with Renjun almost two years ago and how painful it felt. Compared to that, this breakup felt too easy, almost offensively so.

He was terrified Suhyun would curse him behind his back, but when he asked Mark about it he assured him she was doing fine. He even told him Suhyun already hooked up with another guy within a week after their breakup.

Jeno couldn’t move on that quickly without feeling like a colossal prick so he kept his distance with Renjun. When his friends talked about the freshman they wanted to give their jacket to, though, Jeno couldn’t help calling dibs on Renjun. He was the only one who chose a guy among his friends, but he didn’t care. 

Enduring their borderline homophobic jokes paid off when he saw the look in Renjun’s face when he opened his eyes to find out Jeno gave his jacket to him. Renjun was surprised and hopeful. 

And for the first time in a year, he felt the same way in return.

***

##  **2020 - Renjun**

The cold wind blow passed them, exposed in the middle of the empty parking lot. Renjun shivered and buttoned up Jeno's jacket he was wearing to block the wind. In the camping ground, his friends were still talking and laughing loudly while sitting around the fire. Renjun could hear them even though there was almost 50 meters distance between them.

“Cold?” Jeno asked. When Renjun nodded, he circled his arm around his shoulders and pulled him closer. Renjun tempted to rest his head on Jeno’s shoulder but he decided against it.

"Do you want to get in?" Jeno asked. Renjun shook his head. He wouldn't be able to handle it. Too much memory inside.

"You haven't answered my question," Renjun said.

"What? Suhyun noona?" Jeno chuckled lightly. He was so laid-back about it, Renjun didn’t expect the next thing he would say was, "We broke up about a month ago."

"Oh I'm sorry," Renjun tried not to sound too excited.

"You didn't mean that," Jeno scoffed. Of course, Renjun’s fake sympathy wouldn’t fool him. Renjun looked away, embarrassed.

"Why did you break up?"

"We're better off as friends. We started dating for the wrong reason."

"You didn't like her?"

"I do," Jeno answered without a single shadow of a doubt. Renjun winced slightly like his words stung him. "But not enough. Not the way I should."

"Why did you date her then?" Renjun asked with a catch in his throat. Hopes swept over him like a wave in the high seas.

"Because I want to get over you, but obviously it didn’t work," Jeno shrugged, like it was nothing, like Renjun hadn’t been secretly wishing for it for months. Renjun turned to face him, looking at him in the eyes, suddenly feeling all soft and tingly. Jeno’s lips curved into a smile, eyes turned into two half-moons.

“Should we get in?” Jeno asked in a low voice.

Renjun was trembling when they settled in the backseat of his car. His eyes were glued to Jeno’s face, more specifically his lips. The memory of them, grinding against each other in this very spot, was played inside his brain like some broken record.

“You told me to get over you,” Jeno teased, enjoying every ounce of Renjun’s desperation.

“I didn’t mean it,” Renjun whispered.

“So you’re not over me too?”

“Clearly.”

“Renjun-ah,” Jeno cautioned as Renjun leaned closer, fingers gripping on his shoulder. “Maybe we should talk first.” 

Renjun laughed, a little too ironically. He leaned back on his seat, putting some distance between them. Oh how things had changed. Renjun was the one who always wanted to talk, who asked him to pause for a second to figure out where they were going. Now the role had been reversed. 

“A year ago, I told you I needed to figure out myself and I had been trying, I still am. I’m sorry I took so long,” Jeno said, with every sincerity he could muster. Their eyes locked together and Renjun was holding his breath unconsciously. He had been waiting to hear these words for almost two year and he almost couldn’t believe the moment finally arrived.

Jeno took his hand and interlaced their fingers together. The tremble stopped, the loud beat of his heart somehow muted. Only Jeno’s words remained.

“I was doubting my feelings for you. I thought it couldn’t possibly be love because I was supposed to feel that kind of thing with a girl, right? But it was and there was nothing wrong with it. Because you’re my first love, Renjun-ah, and I haven’t stopped loving you since.”

“I love you too,” Renjun managed to mumble in between his sobs. “I love you so much.”

“I’m going to kiss you now,” Jeno announced and Renjun rushed closer to latch their lips together. Arms scrambled to close the distance. In two seconds, Renjun was sitting on his lap, ready to ruin his lips.

“Slow down,” Jeno wrapped his arms around Renjun, his hand on his nape, pushing his head toward his shoulder. “I’m here, I’m not going anywhere.”

Renjun cried his heart out, overwhelmed by his own feelings, their feelings. Jeno whispered relief and reassurance into his ears, that they had all the time in the world to figure this out together, that they could actually be together and do every cheesy thing all couples do.

“You’re my first love too,” Renjun murmured into his neck.

“You must’ve had boys you liked before,” Jeno joked heartily. “If not, you wouldn’t be so sure of your own sexuality.”

“But those weren’t love,” Renjun said. “It’s different with you.”

Jeno smiled softly, fingers wiping the trace of tears on his cheeks. He leaned closer and planted a chaste kiss on his cheekbone. 

“What about the guys you saw last year?” Jeno asked, with a hint of possessiveness in his voice.

“You really wanted to know?” Renjun leaned back so he could see his face. Jeno pouted and shrugged. “It was just one guy, by the way.”

“That’s worse,” Jeno groaned. Renjun chuckled. “Do I know him?”

“Yeah, you met once,” Renjun answered.

“Don’t tell me,” Jeno frowned.

“It’s Yukhei,” Renjun grinned. Jeno scoffed and took his lips then, as if he wanted to claim him. Renjun was only too happy to oblige. The kiss was aggressive, leaving Renjun breathless when Jeno finally pulled away.

“Well, I made out with Mark hyung once,” Jeno really tried to one-up him. Renjun gasped scandalously.

“Does Donghyuck know?”

“Yeah, he’s still mad about it.”

Jeno then told him how he did it when he was really drunk and passed out on the foyer in his house. His parents found him on the floor and his dad had to carry him to his room. He came out to his mom in the morning, then his dad later in the week.

“I’m so proud of you,” Renjun peppered kisses all over his face. Jeno chuckled, running fingers through Renjun’s hair.

“Then I started texting you,” Jeno smiled wistfully.

“I was terrified when you did,” Renjun confessed. “I just can not start to obsess over you again so close to suneung.”

“That was why you never replied?”

“Yeah.”

“Why did you come to my house after suneung?”

“I wasn’t sure how I did and I needed a distraction,” Renjun grimaced. Jeno pouted jokingly to tease him. “It’s awful, I know. I’m sorry.”

“Was it good, at least?” Jeno raised his eyebrows.

“It’s always good with you,” Renjun grinned and he knew he said the right answer because Jeno leaned in for another kiss. This time slow and languid with slow rolls of tongue and soft moans.

“You know it felt like a slap in the face when I found out you got into Yonsei after all that?” Jeno asked again. He really wanted to hold Renjun accountable for every single mistake he did, huh?

“I’m sorry, I’ll make it up to you.”

“Really? How?”

Renjun didn’t answer. He wordlessly sinked down to his knees and settled between Jeno’s thighs. He smiled when he tilted his head up to meet Jeno’s eyes, dark with desire.

“Do you still want me to slow down?” Renjun asked. Jeno’s breath hitch with anticipation and he shook his head repeatedly. Renjun smiled to himself.

***

Renjun and Jeno joined their friends sometime after the sunrise. Renjun took so many pictures with his whole class, then his closest friends. After he was done, Renjun went home with Jeno, took shower in his bathroom and wore his pajamas. 

Jeno tried to make kimchi fried rice for him but the guy couldn’t cook even with a gun pointed to his head, so Renjun had to finish the dish for him. They had breakfast together then burned all the calories on his bed after. 

They spent all day together, lounging on his bed, not even bothered to put on some clothes. Between all that, they talked, about themselves, about each other, about the year they spent apart, about the years they would spend together. 

It was so much better now that they could talk honestly, straight-forwardly. They fell back into their old dynamic, before Gyeongju, when they were still friends. But it was way better because Renjun could steal a kiss from Jeno anytime.

“Sometimes I can’t believe all this happened because we were stuck in a closet together once,” Renjun marvelled, giggling at his own pun. “Get it? We’re stuck together in a closet?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jeno rolled his eyes. Renjun scoffed and slapped his arm lightly.

“Well, for your information, I started to like you way before that,” Jeno said. Renjun turned his head toward him, surprised.

“When?” Renjun demanded.

“Um, since the day I met you,” Jeno shrugged sheepishly. Renjun choked on his breath, his fingers curled at the corny words. “I thought you were really cute in the tracksuit.”

“You’re weird. The tracksuit was fucking ugly. Our uniform is way better,” Renjun mocked playfully. Jeno insisted that fifteen years old Renjun was cute in any clothes and Renjun wasn’t going to disagree.

“What about you then?” Jeno asked, just to shift the spotlight away from him. “When was it for you?”

“When you told me not to go to the concert,” Renjun grinned. “I thought you were being annoying, turned out you were just jealous.”

“God, I was so childish back then,” Jeno groaned in embarrassment.

“A bit, yeah. You’re jealous of everyone,” Renjun cackled, while Jeno covered his face in shame. “You didn’t like if I hung out alone with Minha. You frowned everytime Jaemin or Donghyuck got too close.”

“Minha liked you, how could I not be jealous?” Jeno tried to defend himself.

“You know it was nothing. Minha got over it immediately after I came out to her,” Renjun scoffed.

“Yeah, then she got mad at me for not telling her,” Jeno rolled his eyes. “I mean, I can’t exactly out you, what the hell she wanted me to do?”

“A little warning would be nice,” Renjun shrugged.

“Why are you on her side?” Jeno demanded, annoyed. Renjun let out a loud laugh and kissed him in the cheek to appease him.

“Can I ask you something, though?”

“What?”

“What did you and Minha fight about in 7th grade?” Renjun asked, eyes widened with curiosity. “I promise I won’t tell Minha.”

“Nah, she’d kill me if I tell anyone,” Jeno refused without missing a beat.

“Oh, come on,” Renjun whined, pouting to crack his defense.

“It’s nothing,” Jeno shook his head.

“What is it? She didn’t like you or anything like that, right?” Renjun kept prodding. When Jeno froze, he knew he hit the bullseye and bursted into giggles.

“Don’t tell anyone,” Jeno sighed.

“I won’t.”

Renjun was still chuckling when Jeno interlaced their fingers together, then kissed the back of his hand tenderly. Renjun watched him, brimming with so much affection for him that he felt like he was going to combust.

“Remember when you held my hand for the first time here? I was so nervous. You kinda did it in front of everyone too,” Renjun recalled fondly.

“It’s weird that I did all that, while still too afraid to date you at the same time, don’t you think?” Jeno mused.

“I mean, yeah, you think?” Renjun deadpanned. Jeno bursted into laughter, messing Renjun’s hair in jest. Renjun snuggled up to him and Jeno put his arms around him. 

Renjun felt strangely content, more than he had ever been before, even though they were only lying down on his bed. Renjun’s head rested on Jeno’s bare chest, his fingers fiddled with Renjun’s hair softly.

Maybe because Jeno himself was at ease. Jeno used to be really anxious every time they were together, ready to bail. But here he was, two years after that, spending a whole day together with him in his own house so comfortably, no hint of apprehension.

“Renjun-ah…”

“Hm?”

“Should we tell everyone?” Jeno asked tentatively. He referred to Donghyuck, Jaemin and Minha, of course. 

“Do you want to tell them?” Renjun rolled around so he could look at Jeno in the eyes. “I mean, you have to come out first.”

“I’ve been meaning to tell them anyway, but it felt kinda pointless when I was dating Suhyun,” Jeno shrugged.

“We’ll tell them, then,” Renjun nodded to ensure him. Jeno nodded back, 

“Come here,” Jeno smiled, cupping both of his cheeks to pull him closer. Renjun closed the distance immediately, eyes fluttering closed and lips parted open even before they touched.  They stayed there, limbs all tangled up around each other, until the sun finally rose the following morning. 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Renjun is sooo content and happy here, finally. Jeno is just soft for him, so if Renjun's happy, he'll be happy too. One more chapter to go now. Hope you all are going to stay until the end.
> 
> Also I kinda want to write the Markhyuck oneshot after I'm done with this one. What do you think?
> 
> As always, say hi on [twitter](https://twitter.com/faiczn)


	8. Promise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is it I guess, hope I managed to write it well until the end. Enjoy!

## 2020

Renjun went back to his dorm by train, refusing Jeno’s offer to drive him, because everyone would recognize his car and Renjun did not want to broadcast their new relationship that way.

“Where did you sleep last night, hyung?” Chenle asked suspiciously when Renjun walked in. “I texted you yesterday but you didn’t answer.”

“My parents’ place,” Renjun lied shamelessly. Chenle cocked up his eyebrows incredulously. 

“You looked like you got laid,” Chenle stated the obvious. Renjun laughed, but didn’t deny nor confirm it. “Who was it? Do I know him?”

“I’ll tell you later,” Renjun said simply.

“So I do know him,” Chenle gasped. “Is it Sicheng hyung?”

“Sicheng hyung?” Renjun snickered at the absurdity of the suggestion. “I barely talked to the guy.”

“You don’t really need to talk to fuck,” Chenle said. Renjun rolled his eyes at the crass word. Chenle was so innocent when he arrived at Seoul a few months ago. Now he could even curse in Korean.

“Chenle, chill. I’ll tell you later, okay?” Renjun looked at his roommate in the eye to show he was serious. “I’m not hiding anything, it’s just he’s not out yet so I couldn’t really tell people.”

“Okay,” Chenle finally backed off.

Renjun changed into t-shirt and sweatpants before crashing onto his shitty university-owned bed, scrolling through his instagram feed until he fell asleep. He only woke up because his phone was ringing when it was dark outside. It was Jeno.

They agreed to meet for dinner in a trendy restaurant Renjun always wanted to try. It was a bit far, so they met in the middle and took the train together. This was Renjun’s first real, out-in-public date so it all felt a bit surreal. The two of them, standing so close together on the train. Jeno’s hand rested on the small of his back while they were walking. 

The restaurant was filled with couples, heterosexual couples to be precise. Renjun felt so self-conscious and nervous, avoiding people’s eyes as they walked in. Jeno’s steady eyes were the one who gave him reassurance. When he clasped their hands together under the table, Renjun finally calmed down.

Their dinner was nothing out of the ordinary. They had pasta and wine. They talked about their classes and Jeno’s studio project. They asked the waitress to take their picture together, then they took the train back and strolled around their campus, holding hands every time they passed the spot where the streetlight didn’t reach.

Jeno pulled him in the dark alcove behind Renjun’s dorm and they made out until Renjun’s jaw felt stiff and the skin under his collar was adorned with bruises. Jeno walked him to the entrance and Renjun couldn’t stop smiling long after Jeno left.

“So you didn’t just get laid, you got a boyfriend, huh?” Chenle assumed as he watched Renjun’s grinning like an idiot while looking at his and Jeno’s pictures at the restaurant on his phone.

Renjun shrugged, still keeping his mouth shut about the relationship. Chenle shook his head, muttered ‘should have seen it coming’ under his breath and entered the bathroom to wash up. 

Renjun ignored his roommate, finally put his phone down and reached for his physics textbook. He had a quiz on Monday and he wasn’t going to abandon his study just to fawn over his new boyfriend, as much as he was tempted to. When he checked his phone two hours later, he would read Jeno’s text telling him,  _ you know we can study together now right? I can give you my notes from last year. _

Renjun concluded dating his senior in the same major was the best decision he ever made.

***

Donghyuck found out about Renjun and Jeno’s new relationship by Tuesday. 

What happened was the two of them were studying together in the corner of the Architecture library, being a little too touchy as a couple in the honeymoon phase often do. Ten saw them and mentioned it to Mark, saying, “I didn’t know Jeno is into guys”. Mark asked Donghyuck about it when he came over the next day. 

Donghyuck marched to Renjun’s room right away. Unfortunately, Jeno was right there with Renjun for some make out session while Chenle was away. They had no excuse since they were literally lying down together on Renjun’s bed when Donghyuck walked in.

“Yeah, we’re kinda dating now,” Jeno confirmed weakly.

“You’re serious now, aren’t you? I swear to God, if you two are messing around one more time…” Donghyuck warned with narrowed eyes.

“We’re serious now, at least we’re trying to,” Renjun nodded. Unexpectedly, Donghyuck sighed with relief, climbed onto the bed with them and pulled them into a hug. Renjun and Jeno exchanged a glance, surprised.

“Thank God. I’m so sick watching you fight, honestly,” Donghyuck murmured. “Just be happy from now on, for fuck’s sake.”

“Yeah, that’s the idea,” Jeno snorted, because he still couldn’t really do vulnerability well.

“Thank you,” Renjun whispered into his friend's shoulder, because he was an emotional human being with a lot of feelings.

“When are you going to tell the others?” Donghyuck asked next, looked disturbingly excited. 

“As soon as they’re free, I guess,” Jeno shrugged.

“Jaemin and Minha are going to be so pissed,” Donghyuck cackled like an evil character in a movie. He climbed down the bed, wiggling his eyebrows teasingly, “Okay, I’ll leave you two lovebirds to whatever the hell you were doing before.”

Renjun rolled his eyes as he shooed Donghyuck out, eager to lock the door. Chenle opened the door before he could do it, his jaw dropped to the floor when he saw Jeno lying on Renjun’s bed. Chenle gasped, while Renjun cursed under his breath and closed the door behind him.

“So Jeno hyung is your secret boyfriend?” Chenle snickered loudly. His eyes darted toward Jeno, before saying, “I thought you’re straight, hyung.”

“That’s why you shouldn’t make assumptions about people’s sexuality,” Jeno retorted diplomatically, making Chenle snorted.

“How did it start? I never even saw you talk before,” Chenle asked curiously. Jeno and Renjun exchanged a glance for the second time, giggling this time. Chenle wailed, “What? Tell me!”

“We’ve been friends for 5 years,” Renjun shrugged. “I’ve liked him for 2 years.”

“I kinda like him the whole time,” Jeno added nonchalantly. Chenle’s mouth was opened unconsciously while he put the puzzle pieces in his mind.

“So Jeno hyung was the one who made you cry a few months ago?” Chenle asked. Renjun glared at him behind Jeno’s back. He surely didn’t appreciate being exposed in front of his boyfriend.

“You cried over me?” Jeno turned his head toward him, concerned. Renjun sighed while Chenle grinned at him.

“Yeah, when you told me you wanted to introduce Suhyun to everyone,” Renjun averted his gaze sheepishly. Jeno’s expression softened as he circled his arm around Renjun, whispering his apology. 

“Should I leave?” Chenle asked jokingly.

“That would be ideal, yeah,” Renjun nodded without missing a beat. Chenle scoffed, mumbling something about dinner and left them alone. Renjun locked the door before turning around to face Jeno.

“Come here,” Jeno patted his lap. Renjun approached slowly and straddled his legs. Jeno wrapped his arms around him and he leaned on his chest, surrendered completely.

“It was hard, chasing after you for a year,” Renjun murmured into his shoulder. “Somehow I decided I have to get into Yonsei before I allow myself to even think we have a chance to be together. I really thought I lost it when I went to your house after suneung. Like, if I can’t be with you, at least we can fuck one last time.”

Jeno thought about how he would’ve felt if he was in Renjun’s position, how lonely it must’ve been. Admirably, Renjun pulled through, because he was resilient like that and Jeno couldn’t be more proud of him.

“For someone who got into Yonsei after only studying for a few months, you’re an idiot, you know that?” Jeno sighed, shaking his head in disbelief. “I begged you for another chance that night and you told me to get over you.”

“Well, I only realized how stupid I was when I got into Yonsei after all,” Renjun chuckled weakly.

“Let’s promise to always talk to each other honestly and not let any misunderstanding drag on without explanation. Let’s promise to not hurt each other on purpose from now on. How about that?” Jeno suggested slowly, stroking his hair affectionately.

“Okay, I promise,” Renjun said in a small voice.

“I promise too.” Jeno tilted his chin up and planted a kiss on his lips to seal the words like a real commitment. It felt like a vow and he was chuckling when he told Renjun that.

“Just so you know, you can’t get rid of me now,” Renjun declared as he enveloped Jeno’s upper body with all his four limbs. 

“Well, the feeling is mutual, so…” Jeno grinned and tightened his hug, hooking his chin on Renjun’s shoulder.

“Are you two done? I have to use the bathroom,” Chenle knocked on the door repeatedly, completely ruining the moment. Renjun sighed exaggeratedly and got out of the bed to unlock the door. Chenle rushed to the bathroom as soon as he walked in.

“Should we go to my house?” Jeno offered.

“You have to go back to the studio after this, right?” Renjun shook his head. Jeno checked his watch and forced himself to leave the bed. He leaned in for a peck but Renjun lingered and deepened the kiss.

“Oh my fucking god, can you two get a room?” Chenle groaned behind them. Jeno pulled away hastily, while Renjun scowled at his roommate.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” Jeno patted Renjun’s head before picking his bag and walked back to his studio in the architecture building, whistling all the way.

***

Jeno had the perfect opportunity to come out on the following weekend. Donghyuck planned a karaoke party and invited all their closest friends. Jeno was still nervous while they gathered in Renjun and Chenle’s room for the pregame, an hour before the actual party, so he kept his distance from Renjun.

Donghyuck wasn’t having any of it though, because he organized a truth or dare game just to get Jeno and Renjun to fess up. Funnily enough, the bottle kept landing in front of Mark, to Donghyuck’s dismay.

“Truth or dare?”

“Truth,” Mark sighed, because he chose dare before and everyone made him dance to EXO’s Growl in the study room for a whole minute. The other ten people in the room looked just as embarrassed as him to witness the stunt.

“Who have you kissed in the lips in this room?” Renjun asked.

“Donghyuck, obviously and um, Jeno..” Mark glanced at Donghyuck who was scratching his head impatiently. Jaemin and Minha raised their eyebrows at Jeno who pretended he didn’t hear any of that.

“Next!” Donghyuck yelled loudly. Renjun giggled behind his back. The bottle finally stopped in front of Renjun next, like Donghyuck intended to from the start.

“Dare,” Renjun said before Donghyuck even opened his mouth.

“Kiss someone in the lips, like you mean it,” Donghyuck’s eyes glinted dangerously. “I’m talking tongue, okay? A peck doesn’t count.”

Renjun glanced at Jeno who was sitting at the opposite end of the circle they formed. Donghyuck's evil plan was actually genius, because there was no way in hell Jeno would let Renjun kiss someone else.

So Jeno cocked his head, telling Renjun to come closer. With a wide grin on his face, Renjun crawled closer and paused for effect right in front of him. Jeno could actually hear his heartbeat in his ears as Renjun leaned in and grasped both of his cheeks.

Renjun tilted his head and their lips locked together immediately. Renjun kissed him like he really meant it. Lips devouring, tongue swirling. Jeno’s hand gripped onto the small of his back for reassurance, too low for friends and he couldn’t care less.

“Well, there’s no straight explanation for  _ that _ .” Jeno heard someone say. It sounded like something Donghyuck would say.

“Is that enough?” Renjun asked Donghyuck as he pulled away, leaving Jeno breathless.

“Yeah,” Donghyuck smirked with satisfaction. Renjun rolled his eyes and went back to his space between Chenle and Mark.

Jeno braced himself and threw a glance toward Jaemin and Minha who were sitting side by side. He tilted his head up, as if challenging them to say something. 

“How the fuck…?” Jaemin lost the ability to speak for a moment.

“You fucking asshole,” Minha narrowed her eyes at Jeno, more annoyed than mad. “We had a whole fight over it and you didn’t even tell me!”

“I’m sorry, I was an idiot, okay?” Jeno said.

“Yeah, he kinda was,” Renjun chimed in.

“You’re nowhere near safe, Huang Renjun,” Minha scowled, pointing at him with her finger. Renjun snapped his mouth shut.

“When? How?” Jaemin was still kinda speechless.

“It’s been going on for two years, actually,” Jeno confessed. It was the wrong thing to say because both Jaemin and Minha let out the dirtiest curses they could muster, thoroughly pissed off.

“Why didn’t you say anything? You knew the whole time?” Jaemin accused, glaring at Donghyuck.

“Don’t drag me into this. It’s not my fight,” Donghyuck raised his hands in a mock submission.

Jaemin and Mina decided a punishment was in order, in the form of a back to back dance cover to Celeb Five’s I Wanna be a Celeb and Sobangcha’s Last Night. Donghyuck willingly offered to join them for the second song to complete the trio. 

Jeno suspected Jaemin and Minha weren’t really mad, they just wanted to make a fool out of them, but he and Renjun complied to their silly demand anyway. Their little cover was circulated in everyone’s Instagram feed and by morning even Jeno’s classmates already saw the snippets. The video would haunt both of them until their graduation.

***

“Ready?” Jeno asked, turning his head toward Renjun. His boyfriend smiled as he put on the seatbelt, nodding. Jeno started the engine and drove the car away. 

It was the summer holiday and they were starting their week-long road trip, long overdue after they talked about their craving for travelling two years ago. As per tradition, they only made a very rough plan to go to Mungyeong for paragliding, then Jeju for snorkelling. Appropriate stops would be made on the way and it would be decided on the spot.

Renjun was so excited about it, saying it felt like a sequel to his solo trip last year. Jeno was less excited, but it was because Renjun actually banned him from planning their trip properly.

“Come on, what’s the fun in that!” Renjun would frown to him.

“The fun is we won’t get lost and have a place to stay every night,” Jeno would snap at him, even though he knew he would let Renjun win in the end nonetheless. Because Renjun knew the exact word to say and how to say it to get Jeno to cave in and drop everything to do what he asked.

Sometimes it scared him, how well they fit into each other, how everything just fell into places so perfectly. A lot of times he had to block his thoughts from wandering too far into the future, imagining the house they would live in, the family they would build.

Even then, Renjun would be the one to ground him back into the present, to enjoy the moment they were having, once again proving how in sync they were with each other. And Jeno was beyond grateful, really, for the sequence of events the universe orchestrated so they could meet each other, at the right place and time.

Because this was it, for Jeno. Huang Renjun was the one.

And he would not have it any other way.

*** 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, say hi on [twitter](https://twitter.com/faiczn)


End file.
